Past, present, and future

I'm on a new path. Can't get my drivers license until someone takes me to Stow to get a judge to release the warrant on my old license, same social security number, that has been on there for 16+ years. Even if I had changed and gotten a Colorado license, the warrant would have remained because I have the same social security number. Go figure.

My sister, Carol, Bessie the bullfrog as my grandfather nicknamed her, 'promised' to take me, but like all of her promises (visiting me, bringing me the dresser The Idiot (Jimmy) gave me, etc.) it was and is empty. I'm still waiting here in the senior community where I currently reside and among whose residents I am comfortably living--without that ride to Stow. An old boyfriend, Yogi, cannot get away from his current roommate because she is convinced he will leave her for me. Too bad she ignored my invitation to meet and claimed I was an unspoken wish (on Yogi's mind, but not on mine) to  leave her for me. I like Yogi, always have, but I will never live with him for the same reason I broke  up with him over 20 years ago -- he spread my personal business around to anyone who was with him. In essence, he put my business on the street and I was NOT down with that. I'll put it out there, but you cannot put it out there without my consent and without my knowledge. Not so strange come to that.

Carol claims I am on the outs with my remaining relatives (her, Tracy, and Jimmy) because of my mouth. She mentions nothing about using her mouth on me -- I told her about her double standard and that did not go down well with her as she continued to castigate me for my mouth and my choices.

I will admit I am sorry that Jimmy's "London girl" is dead. Dropped dead at the restaurant when she was with him and Carol (?) the day after Xmas in London. Jimmy doesn't think I'm sorry or grieved enough to suit him. Well, I knew she was a fake and a liar and said so openly. I guess you would say that was injudicious of me, but I wanted him to know Jess was a liar and would not move to the US to marry him. He told her not to lie to him any more. Oops! She lied to him about being a young, unmarried, tall leggy blonde without children when they met online. She was short, pudgy, and a Filipino who was married to a British citizen -- an earl in fact -- and had three children. Jimmy knew none of this. When he found out he forgave her and told her not to lie to him ever again. Ooops! She never mentioned that her husband was still alive and was dying of cancer when she had taken up with him. I'd say that was a big lie. She also lied about family Visa and getting it renewed so she couldn't come to the US to marry him, not to mention her husband was still alive. She could and did afford to renew the family Visa when her husband finally died, buy she neglected to mention that to Jimmy. So much for his forgiveness or her promise not to lie any more.

She remained in the UK and continued to lie to Jimmy. She blamed her mother for cautioning her not to mention her children or her marriage and I told her she needed to come clean. She did and that is where we were when Jimmy used his hard earned money to visit her once -- and sometimes twice -- a year. She had changed her tune and was 'stuck in Visa hell' again, but this time with her moving to the US and trouble with her change in status with the US INS. That was another lie, but Jimmy kept hoping they would be married and she would move to the US.

Hope is a big part of the con's game -- and Jess's game -- with Jimmy and the rest of the family. They believed that she would soon be here. In the meantime, Jimmy spent every year in the UK with Jess (and her family). Carol and Tracy believed Jess was being truthful and not lying any more. Jess might have been a good person, but she was a liar up to the end of her life when she dropped dead in the restaurant in London the day after Xmas.

Yes, I know you're not supposed to speak ill of the dead but I believe in telling the truth -- even if it hurts. Yes, I know that's why Jimmy doesn't believe I'm sorry for Jess dying -- and in such a memorable manner, but I am sorry she's dead. I wouldn't wish ill on her. I would've wished she had lived long enough to tell Jimmy she continued to lie and I knew it all the time. That won't happen, so I remain unforgiven and out of Jimmy's good graces. Oh, well. Them's the breaks.

He forgave someone he didn't know and had never met, but he won't forgive me because I clued him in. Maybe it's true that I should keep my mouth shut. It would make it easier on my friends (at least when they're telling lies and hedging their bets), but I have not changed. I've always been this way -- even when Mom was alive and calling me a liar. Jimmy, Carol, and Tracy have always known about me, but their Christian charity doesn't stretch to me. Oh, well.

I know Carol makes empty promises and I don't call her out on that. It's just one facet of her personality and I deal with it. My siblings obviously cannot deal with the honest fact that I am honest -- about everything. Hence, they will not forgive me. Oh well. Back to my life.

I continue to wait on Carol to bring me the dresser she promised me two, three months ago and going to Stow. I'll eventually get someone, probably Crystal, to take me to Stow to get the judge to release the warrant imposed on me 16+ years ago and get my drivers license by taking the exam at last. Carol insists I must get my drivers license back but that would require that she -- or someone else -- take me to Stow.

Well, since Crystal, Tien (her little boy), and Bang (her husband) came to visit me today, I will get to go to Stow with Crystal. Carol will claim I'm using Crystal, but Crystal visited me and when she asked if Carol had taken me to Stow, I told her no. Crystal will make time for me to go to Stow. I've told her it's a 3-hour drive, but Crystal has the time and I will go with her. That is the end of that -- finally.

I've also enrolled in college and will get my degree in graphic arts. I might even sneak in a course in literature and maybe take a double major. It's all grant funded and I will get what scholarships and grants that will fund my education to minimize the college debt. I think I can get a few grants and maybe a scholarship or two come to that. Yes, I am not taking my 'retirement' lying down.

I also want to work and I've called around. I have discovered I have more than medical transcription to offer in the end. I have insurance, secretarial skills, and so much more. I'll trot them out and use them to get back to work. I'm going to go to college part time and can afford to work. It will help when it comes time to pay off my college loans -- less if I can get more grants and a scholarship or three. (I know. Wishful thinking. If you don't wish then you don't get. I'm wishing but I'm also relying on my background and skills and that's not shabby at all.)

I've also decided that my artistic skills are not so shabby either. I do have the talent and I will practice my skills until I am as good (or better) than I once was. I realized that I didn't get to my previous level without all the years and hours of practice and I can do that again (practice I mean). I might even find out that my skill and talent haven't deserted me at all. I have the bonus of years of life and the wisdom and skills that come with long life. Not too shabby at all.

So, yes, I am what I have always been and I've added to the bottom line, just not the old bottom line with Yogi. He lied to me before and I'm not my brother. I won't forget that Yogi lied and put my business on the street, but I will forgive him and not forget the past, but use the past judiciously. I will ask no promise and I have already told him we are not going to pick up where we left off, except where our friendship is concerned. I will not repeat the past and I have learned from the past. He will not leave his current relationship (20+ years), especially not for me. His girlfriend must understand that -- even if she sees things a different way. Her actions do not inform my decisions. I am and have always been the same person. She would do well to remember that my relationship with Yogi is as a friend -- and ONLY a friend.

That is all. Go about your day and keep that in mind as well.

I have taken a break, but have not changed. My siblings should keep that in mind as well. I am as I have always been.

EDIT: Because of my very recent discussion with my sister, Carol, I have agreed to never mention her or her children, Jimmy or Jess, or Tracy and her relationships. Nothing I have said is untrue, but my family is intent on censoring me, so in view of my recent promise to my siblings, I am correcting my usual modus operendi and will not discuss my siblings or people associated with my siblings. Sorry, but I will bow to the pressure and allow myself to be censored.

Also, according to Carol, Jimmy's fiancee Jess died 2 days after Xmas and not the day after Xmas. My mistake. I got that wrong because I either misheard the date or was not told the date. Mea culpa. Mea culpa.

I will censor myself by not talking about my siblings or my dealings with them from this date on. I prefer not to be censored, but Carol views my writings as being hurtful to her and the rest of my family. If you want the unvarnished version, you will have to come visit and read my journals. I will allow that -- if you visit..