And so it Goes

Maybe I should have gone to medical school when I was younger, especially since I obeyed my Mom's threats and didn't go to the Air Force Academy or join the military since I did not want to be disowned. I am a female and, according to Mom, women who go into the military are tramps, whores, women of low moral character. I didn't want to be disowned. I carefully maintained my ties to the family.

I have since been disowned by my family on my most recent birthday. As I turned 64, I was notified that I was out of the family, receiving the news from Beanie by text message.

I realize being disowned by my siblings is not the same as being disowned by my Mom. It is a whole other ball of wax.

Or is it?

It's a matter of respect and degree. I respected my Mom -- until I didn't. She was not a good person. She was vindictive, petty, and she held grudges forever. Maybe that is why I acquiesced to Mom's demands when she threatened to disown me. Maybe that is why she got her wish -- me not going to the Air Force Academy -- or any other military branch office to sign up. Had I done so, she would have had bragging rights about her daughter (me) forever.

But I didn't, and now I'm too old to join the Air Force Academy and too old to join any other branch of military service, although that would be a mistake on the military's behalf since I will still be living about 86 years from now.

I plan to be alive until I'm 150 long after my siblings will be dead.  BB has high blood pressure and is also diabetic. The Mushroom/Idiot has likely high blood pressure and heart disease.  Beanie has arthritis and will likely have another knee replacement when she gets done.

All of these diseases could be cured (or at least dealt with) had they listened to me, but they don't and haven't. I am the oddball out in left field when it comes to letting them know what to do when it comes to their health -- I am to be dismissed, crazy, nutso, whatever ... not sufficiently grief-stricken with Jessie's death as my brother decided I should be when I found out last year. But how does he know the depth or reality of my grief? As far as I know, no one knows the depth or reality of my grief because they never asked me and I never volunteered my feelings because I didn't have any feelings toward Jessie since I didn't know her at all. It would be like asking my grief for someone I'd never met and never spent time with. Somebody on the other side of the world may have had a full life and a lot of family, but when they died and I was told would express grief and offer condolences for their passing, but that would be it. The same is true of Jessie. I didn't know her and had never met her. the same cannot be said of the Mushroom, BB, or Beanie since they had all met her, talked to her, spent time with her, and traveled to the UK to meet her.

I doubt they had slept with her, although the Mushroom did because he spent a whole month getting to know her and sleep with her since they were going to live together and get married (so I was told several times by the Mushroom -- but he told me he was getting married to her for ten years. She told me she was never going to move to the USA or marry my brother when she contacted me by email.).  Then again, according to my family, I'm a liar -- or so Mom said and told everyone for years. She wanted to make certain that no one believed me. That is how she protected herself before I was able to tell anyone she had been abusing me my whole life. It is best to have the audience prejudiced before someone can talk about you and cast you in an altogether bad light. Hollywood has press agents and managers to do that for people who want to hide who they are or what they've done. That has been ongoing forever.

It isn't because Mom called me a liar and a fantasist or told people I was a liar or a fantasist. I know that because I know I didn't lie, never did. It is the fact that I tell the truth and have always told the truth, or when I make a mistake I note that on my posts. I made that mistake about Jessie's death a year ago December 2018. I was told she died on December 26. BB informed me that it was the 27th and so I made an edit and noted the date I had been told by Beanie AND the date BB told me.

It isn't that I tell the truth because Mom died six years ago; she is not here to call me a liar or make me admit my lies.

The fact is that my siblings do not want me to write about the truth and it is because I tell the truth, though BB says it is because of my mouth. I do not tell my lies to others. I don't gossip. That was Dad's faux pas. He loved to gossip and he gossiped all the time. It was his character. He was an inveterate gossip monger. I know because he gossiped all the time . . . usually to get himself out of trouble when he was in trouble with Mom.

You see, that's the case with Dad and Mom. They had their faults and flaws. Mom lied and Dad gossiped. Mom also sought refuge in her credit cards, cards she got all the time and kept from Dad and being delivered to the house so she could use them more easily every time she took her lunch across the street from Lazarus when she worked downtown.

The fact is that she didn't EAT lunch, she took her lunch hour at Lazarus -- across the street from her office. She also took her breaks at Lazarus. She was often at Lazarus. As long as she could spend money and time at Lazarus, she was modestly happy -- or at least that is what I thought. She was seldom happy -- unless she was spending money.

People used to say that Virginia was generous and had bought things for her friends and other people. What they didn't say is that Mom could be generous -- as BB could be generous -- but she never let you forget it. She reminded you of it every chance she got. It's rather like her compliments. Every time she complimented me, patted me on the back, she slapped me in the face. Pat on the back and slap in the face right afterwards.

Mom was predictable. BB is also predictable. She follows Mom in everything she did. Mom got religion in her middle years. BB got religion in her middle years. She even chased a man she met at church. Mom went to church every Sunday and every Wednesday. BB goes to church on Sundays and to church on Wednesday nights. What Mom did, BB does. She is Mom's shadow, following after Mom, walking in her footsteps, doing what Mom did, and she continues to follow in Mom's tracks like a shadow.

Well, BB is Mom's firstborn, though I was born first and BB followed me.

That's the point -- BB followed me, followed in my footsteps, though she did not get the same grades I did nor did she win the awards I did. After all, BB is the shadow and I cast the shadow. It's nothing but life -- and physics. I do not make the rules. I follow the rules; I'm a human not the Universal Creator. Go figure.

I do not claim any more than I was given at birth. I was born. I breathed. I continue to breathe. No problem. I claim no more than what I've just written.

I am an atheist, but I believe in the Creator of All, what I call the Universal Creator. I don't believe in anyone or anything else because I am an atheist. That's what it means to be an atheist. I do not believe in gods, at least not the manmade version of gods. I have an ego, but not THAT much of an ego. I'm not quite that vain or that deluded.

I have been told I'm deluded, but not THAT deluded.

I have a normal ego, a normal id, and a normal superego. Those are the parts of my brain and my biology that came with the package that included breathing. So, I'm normal -- at least as far normal as I am allowed to be, but that can change whenever my body stops breathing and my heart stops beating. I'll be dead and it won't matter anyway.

And so it goes.

That is all. Disperse.