You never know...

...if there will be a tomorrow. There are no guarantees.

Mom called yesterday on the way back from a funeral. There are a lot of older people in my mother's church, so this is nothing unusual. In fact, they recently buried a woman I knew years ago, someone my parents had known for over 20 years. But I was wrong. It wasn't one of the older parishioners; it was the 40-year-old sister of my foster sister who died. There is some confusion over who had the knife first, but she was stabbed to death by her husband in front of their 11-year-old daughter.

I am stunned and shocked. So much death in people so young and full of life recently, senseless deaths that hit like a lightning strike on a clear summer day in a sky full of nothing but blue. Reminds me there are no guarantees on tomorrow.

We plan for a future that may not be there, not because of nuclear holocaust or plague or war, but because of the instability of life. Makes me wonder why we all do it. Do we keep planning because we are programmed from the egg to do so or because to give up and live each moment as if it is our last makes us feel like we're standing on shifting sands and the tide's going out?

Too many people I know are waiting for the right time to have a baby, launch a career, get a divorce, or change their lives, but there is no right time. Holidays come at the same time every year and will continue to do so whether you wait to make that change in your life or not. Birthdays and special celebrations, the next pay check, the next scheduled vacation, retirement, school, going grocery shopping, or having enough money are all excuses we use because we know there will be another month, another year, another decade, another 20 years, but there are no guarantees. We might not have more than a moment or two. What we do with the moments makes a big difference in how we live and what we make of our lives.

I've always said I don't want to look back from my death bed with regret at what I didn't do but with joy at what I did do. But there may be no death bed. Life could end at the flashing point of a knife on the front porch of your home in front of your loved ones. There may be no time to regret anything.

If, as my grandmother always said, bad news and deaths come in three, I sincerely hope my threes have passed with the deaths of Tassos, Beth and Mrs. Pelfrey. And if there is another death to come and Mrs. Pelfrey wasn't the third in my life, I pray it does not find me or those I know and care about before they have anything they've left undone or before they realize where their hearts and their futures lie.

The Letter

I found a letter in the printer tray that I was sure I had sent. It was a letter to Don, a letter of thank you and goodbye. It was dated 8/10 and contrary to my usual habits there was no envelope. I print up envelopes when I finish writing letters so they are ready to put together and send.

Anyway, I read thru the letter and was conceitedly proud of my writing, but the tears were gone, dried up and taken by the winds because my heart was healed.

I have been re-evaluating my life and choices, getting perspective on my past so I can move into the future without all the baggage that has weighed me down for so many years. Reading the letter now I know I don't need to send it. Don won't read it because it's from me and it was really for me and not for him. He gave me so much and I wanted to let him know how much and to thank him for his gifts and apologize for my blindness and insecurities. I will always be grateful to him for showing me that I am worth loving and that I don't have to settle for being used or allowing myself to be taken advantage of. I will always be grateful for showing me what love really is and how it is supposed to feel because he paved the way for happiness and opened the gate to the cage I built around my heart and myself.

A friend recently gave me a book about writing letters as a way to make peace with the past. I haven't read it, but I am pretty sure I know what is in the book because I have been doing that for the past year. I have looked at my life and the beliefs I held as true, turned them around in the light to see there was so much more there than I knew. It's not that my memories of events are false, but that there is another side to the story, a side I couldn't or wouldn't see.

I sent a letter to my mother a few months back and showed her what I had hidden inside me so that I could also show her that I understand what happened and why and that she didn't really mean to push me away. My enemy has become my friend, and a very close friend at that. I have put the pieces of my past into order and the picture I see emerging has very little of the darkness left in it. The shadows are no longer nebulous and frightening and forms have emerged.

So many times I have said that I wouldn't change my past because if I take away one moment, one experience, good or bad, it alters who I am at this moment. There are much straighter and quicker paths to enlightenment, but the path I chose was dark and full of detours and difficult stretches. It has been a long and arduous road at times, but it has always been an adventure and I am glad to have traveled it all the same. I am lucky. I know more about myself than most people ever discover and I know that I am only limited by my fears.

There may be one more letter for me to write, a letter that will be difficult, not because I am holding a grudge but because I doubt that she will understand or accept what I have to say. She has never looked past the surface at anything and she is not likely to in this life. But I will write the letter all the same. I may find it in my printer a month later or I may send it. Whether I send it or not is not the issue. Getting rid of that last frayed and battered bit of baggage is the issue because until I unload all the old baggage I cannot replace it and move on...and I want to move on.

Socrates said the unexamined life is not worth living and on some levels he was right. The one thing he left out is that you have to live life before you can examine it and that means taking chances and being willing to make that leap of faith even when you land in the dirt or slide into a mud hole. Endlessly examining every moment as it's lived leaves little time to live and grow and change. Socrates also forgot that once you examine life you still have to keep living and moving forward or you will get lost, paralyzed like Narcissus who became lost in his own reflection and died.

So this is what it's like...?

Ever want something so bad until you get it? Something you were willing to sacrifice for, prayed for, maybe even offered the devil a deal for? Me, too. Not what you thought it would be, huh?

I love writing. It's my favorite form of communication, next to person-to-person interactions and the telephone. I've been writing since I was eight years old with a very derivative Edgar Rice Burroughs type girl lost in jungle finds lost civilization kind of story. I won a few awards in my school years and even kept a diary for a while until the contents of that diary landed me in grounded hell far too many times. Then a totally new experience gave my writing back to me and I haven't stopped since.

All I ever wanted to do was write stories and articles and interviews. Now I can. I thought I'd paid my dues, but evidently someone raised the fees because I'm paying more dues in the form of keyword-rich advertising writing, which is about a step above writing punishment on a blackboard about 1000 times every day for weeks. This is what I wanted. The writing life.

But there is a glimmer on the horizon. Seems a fellow writer (although a tech writer) in Brussels likes my romantically twisted mind and hired me to write some soft erotica for him. He's even paying me in advance when I deliver the whole story to the piece I sent as a sample. And there is more work on the horizon from that quarter, which makes me very happy. But there's a catch. Not a big catch, but a catch all the same and he is willing to let some other writer do the task who feels more comfortable with it.

I have to write about two women, take it to the edge and don't spare the erotica. News flash. If you haven't already guessed it because of my chaste and celibate status, I'm straight. Yes, folks, I'm what the gay community calls a breeder...and I have done my share of breeding.

It isn't that I haven't had my fantasies about what it is like to be with a woman, but the key word here is fantasy. I have a very vivid imagination and I know basically where all the parts fit and what accessories can be added...sort of like Barbie and Midge go to San Francisco kind of thing. (Yes, I know it's a stereotype) But I have no actual experience. I know what turns men on and I know what turns me on, but I have no clue what turns two women on to each other since I prefer a partner with are more prominent type of plumbing. I don't know if I can write about two women who are attracted to each other and take them to the bedroom (or kitchen, living room, loft, bathroom, whatever) door and make someone believe it.

I can write about anything under the sun, even things I've never done or tried because I'm a great researcher and interviewer and I have a modest technologically advanced background, but lesbian love? I'd be more comfortable taking two guys down that primrose path. I know what men like and I have lots of gay male friends. We talk. And since we have the same interests (men) I can write about what one man finds attractive about another man.

It wouldn't work for me to try it from the female perspective because I know so little about what turns a woman on about another woman. But I guess I'll give it my best shot and wait for the lesbian community world-wide to shoot me down and tell me to stick to men. Still, nothing ventured, nothing gained. I should learn a lot from this experience. Who knows? I might even learn something about myself. You just never know.

Someone has been spying on me...

Someone, who shall be nameless, has mentioned that I seem different. Now I am familiar with psychic phenomena and intuition, but am I being transparent or something? Even my parents are acting strangely. Well, strangely for them.

Got a call from my mother out of the blue today. She is going on and on about wanting to come back here to visit and she and my father have decided my idea of taking the train, especially since there's a station about 10 miles from here, is a great idea. Mom wanted to go on the Silverton train when they were here last year, but time and my father would not permit. Besides, it was snowing in that area and Dad was driving the motor home, which is not a good idea when crisscrossing the Divide. Well, the motor home is at Raper's being raped and slowly demolished, but not being sold. It's a $16K motor home and Dad is giving it away for $2000, which sounds like highway robbery to me. I told him he should get at least $7K or $8K out of it, but at least don't let it go for less than $5K. But I'm just a daughter and no one listens to me, except about taking the train to visit. Well, one out of a thousand isn't so bad.

My parents also mentioned they have more chickens, guineas like divineneutrino's, which came by way of Beanie and her husband who got them from his boss. More chickens. I did not know, however, that guinea fowl were so fragile. Guess two of them had dislocated hips and that can happen pretty easily. Too bad neither Dad nor Beanie are on LJ so they can contact divineneutrino personally and find out more about this kind of fowl.

My folks also found out, but I didn't tell them, that I don't have a tape player so they sent me one along with a little note attached to a little ten-dollar bill. How sweet. When I picked up the mail (it has been a bit longer than usual) my box was nearly empty except for four long yellow cards that said I had packages and mail. Come to think of it, there was only one package and lots of mail, but there should have been more packages. I guess I'll have to go back to the post office sooner than planned. No big. Anyway, I got to take home a nifty little carrying tray full of mail. No checks from clients, but that should be remedied soon. No checks from writing contests I've won, but a lot of good wishes and concentrated energy from any quarter who'd like to participate could remedy that as well. I'm hoping for big five-digit news on Monday.

In the meantime, someone is trying to convert me to country & western music and has hit the right chord with me. That does not, however, mean I am giving up rock & roll or classical or any of the other head banging metal I enjoy, just that my tastes are expanding. Grandma always told me you should never say you don't like something until you've tried it. How'd I know I'd be eating those words? In fact, I tried tofu and found out it's not so bad either and eat it occasionally, mixed, of course, with fresh dill, arugula, fresh scallions, nopales, leaf celery, and dandelion greens, among other things, but it still could use some spice. I've added dill seed and hope to soon be able to use my very own home grown peppers from my very own pots in my very own living room. (too many very owns?) Well, my plants are growing like crazy in here and proving me with much needed oxygen, so I'm proud of my pale green thumb.

Still, I feel like I'm being watched. Guess I'd better stop sunbathing nude and nearly nude on the deck. Who knew trees could be so nosy and mouthy at the same time? I thought that was the wind, not the trees whispering.

Innocence is found not in the face, but in the heart.

Uprooted

Friday night I was knocked offline and my phone service was down for a while due to high winds and lashing rains. Couldn't get any work done, so I went downstairs and read a book, watched a movie, and listened to the fury of the wind and watched it bend the pine trees nearly horizontal. (got that, John? HORIZONTAL not vertical)

I finally went to bed to the hum of trees creaking and rain thundering past the windows. The wind was stomping around on the roof and lulled me into fitful sleep, which had nothing to do with Mother Nature's temper tantrum. I rather enjoy her tantrums because they make me feel energized. The only thing missing was the sizzling ozone crackle of purple forked lightning flaring in the black sky to make me feel aroused and excited, but that would not have helped me get to sleep...rather the contrary.

The next afternoon, I went out on the deck for some rain-washed, sun-warmed air and just to feel the sunshine on my bare skin and suddenly noticed one of my pine trees in front of the deck was missing--or rather down. It lay at full length, tangled, ripped roots pointing up at me, obviously uprooted forcibly by the winds. Luckily, it fell away from the deck or I would have noticed it sooner when it scratched against the windows when it fell onto the deck.

Nature has been fickle this year. Summer never really made more than a cameo appearance, sneaking away just when you were sure it was here to stay. Spring snuck in under the radar and stayed close to the ground. Now autumn is making her appearance, gilding the aspens and setting them quaking like gold coins on their slender branches in the wind. Winter will be here all too soon, softening the skeletal fingers of the aspens and freezing the colored leaves from the beautiful purple, gold, and bronze branches of the scrub that now fill the gullies and vales with green shadows, hiding the deer while they graze and mate.

All my plants are inside and have decided summer is here safe inside the thick log walls, leaping for the high pitched ceilings in an attempt to make the best of the warmth and filtered sun thru the deck door windows. The pepper plants I brought in a month ago are full of blossoms that spread their gold and rich orange throats waiting for the fine yellow pollen to hit the shy stamens and begin the pregnant pepper pods that suckle the remaining color and energy from the blossoms as the green pods swell, bloat and push thru the withered colors like babies pushing against a mother's womb.

This morning I found a new blossom, a squash blossom full of golden promise. I looked for the last cannister of film, but they are all full of pictures and my camera is empty and waiting for one more chance to do what it was meant to do--chronicle the birth of another life in my secluded aerie.

Dill seeds are ripening and turning brown, almost ready to pick, as the new dill shoots reach fragrant green feathers into the spaces between and waver toward the warm fingers of the sun beyond the windows. Chamomile flowers are changing and growing and sending the scent of apples on an errant breeze when the windows are open. Tomato plants will soon blossom and offer little green globes to ripen and mingle their juices with the ripening lentils in the next pot. Flowers and greens and life blooms along the wall of windows, safe within the thick log walls and away from Nature's tantrums, winds and capricious winter-tinged moods. And the air is rich with the scent of ripening among earth and sunshine.

Sunday morning mists

So much of my life is under the cut right now, which leaves me with a quandary about what to say and what not to say. Strange for me since I just let everything spill out onto the keys. I'm not one to hide my life, my thoughts, or my whining about whoring my writing or finding ways to be creative about the same old crap. However, there is good news on that front and a creative challenge as well.

Friday I received the incredible news that my bid had been accepted, along with my sample, to write low key erotica. What is that? Erotica that sets the stage but stops before things get too graphic so the reader can finish the story in their mind. You might call them pre-masturbatory fantasies. I set them up and the reader takes the story from there. I hope I can remember how it all works. Might need to scare up some volunteers to answer questions and allow me to pry into the shadowy recesses of their intimate lives and mine their fantasies and realities for my art. Sounds like a good deal to me. I ask the questions, the volunteers answer the questions and enlighten me with their fantasies and romantic activities. They don't have to go into the really intimate details, but the foreplay should be fascinating.

This place is beginning to look like a visitor's haven for a change. Had another visitor yesterday who arrived fairly early (for me) and we spent the day reminiscing and talking and getting to know each other better. We also watched a movie they brought to share. October Sky, which is based on the Homer Hickam, Jr. book, Rocket Boys about a Coalwood, West Virginia boy, Homer Hickam, to be exact, who gets out of the future planned for him under the ground mining coal and into the skies on a rocket. The movie & book are also about the people who inspire us and families.

The actors are a mix of seeming unknowns and one or two semi-notables, like Laura Dern, who plays the schoolteacher who inspires Homer, and Chris Cooper, who plays John Hickam, Homer's father. True to Hollywood though, they took the name of the book and changed it for the movie. At least they used an anagram of Rocket Boys and turned it into October Sky.

The movie is very well made and a wonderful treat to watch. The ending should have you in tears, unless you're a soulless, hard-nosed unromantic. October Sky is a movie for the whole family and definitely one to watch with someone close to you.

Now I need to get the book and read the rest of the story. I hear it's better than the movie, which, in this case, is going some. I wonder how Homer Hickam feels about seeing his life become the stuff of dreams, legend and fantasy.

By the way, Homer Hickam, Jr. works for NASA and worked on the space shuttle. Not bad for a boy from Coalwood, West Virginia who had two choices for a future: a scholarship for football or walking into the Hades of the coal mines, before a teacher inspired him to look to the sky.

Bring on the pain...

Hit me with the whips and chains. Beat me. Hang me upside down. Something. Anything. I'm tired of writing.

I never thought it would happen that I would get tired of writing, but the very idea makes me feel tired. I'm avoiding it like an old boyfriend marrying my sister who's afraid I'll spill the beans that he said she's the homeliest woman on the face of the earth when he dated me. I'd almost rather talk to a bill collector right now, not that I have any money to give him, but it would be preferable to the mountain of junk that faces me.

I'm tired of writing about body building and exercises and nutrition and food/drug supplements until I am about to go ballistic. I like my old life where I wrote what I wanted instead of what I had to write. So this is the copywriter's life. I wish I'd known and married some rich old geezer with no relatives, one foot on a banana peel and one foot in the grave in a high wind on the side of a mountain. Sex with his wrinkled, toothless almost-corpse would be better. Not even Viagra will help me write this crap.

Okay, so someone point me in the direction of said geezer. I want out. Of course he has to agree to separate residences and I'll agree to conjugal visits, preferably with a blindfold and a cigarette waiting (and I don't smoke). Enough whining.

At least there are one or two bright spots on the horizon. I just finished an excellent book, about which I will write a review tonight, and which should be posted at The Celebrity Cafe by next week. It's a mystery set in good old decadent Cleveland, Ohio and points south and a real page turner. There is a mediocre book with more medical sensibility than Naked Lunch and a bit of an eye opener about the medical profession and who gets to be a doctor. Then, last and least, a funny little self-published book called Chowder: The Server's Field Manual, which was somewhat amusing and opened my eyes about what really goes on with the people who smile when they serve you the soup they just spit in. It even comes with a card game designed to give servers something play instead of your food. However, the game is aimed at making servers happy and customers embarrassed and put-upon. As a one-time waitress, I'm still not sure whether I like that, although some customers definitely deserve the moron treatment.

On top of all this, I got a phone call from my mother, the second in two days. She also called me again a few minutes ago to ask what of my exercise equipment and wicker furnishings I wanted her to sell. (Hey, Mom? Sell anything that isn't nailed down for whatever you can get!) She also asked if I was serious about selling my paintings. Yes and no. I can use the money, but I love those paintings. It took many years and a lot of sacrifice to accumulate my treasures and I can't even hang them here because it would cost too much to have them shipped and I don't think my parents will be making any more cross country trips. They certainly won't fit in my car if I end up having to decamp here either. *sigh* C'est la vie. At least she didn't ask if I wanted to sell my books. She knows better.

The first of two calls tonight was to let me know Mom had found one of my stories--her favorite--about my "vacation" in New Orleans during the last days of the World's Fair. She even read it to me. I haven't seen it since I gave her my last copy after it had been rejected by nearly every magazine in the country. (word of warning: if you ever decide to visit my parents, be prepared to be forced to read said story)

I haven't heard anyone read the story to me although I had read it countless times and I did live the actual events. I was stunned. I'm a much better writer than I knew.

I know. That sounds conceited, but it is true. NOLA came alive again for me and I remembered walking the streets of New Orleans and the French Quarter as if it were yesterday. It's a homeless person's travelogue. I wonder if a publisher would be interested in a travelogue from the homeless point of view? COuld be interesting.

Anyway, I surprise myself that I was ever that good. But not any more. My writing skills are deteriorating as I write this. Soon I will begin to start using keywords endlessly to make my journal come up higher in the search engines, writing pointless, repetitive drivel for money.

Someone save me!

Have you considered...

...how technology has changed us?

Not in the usual way of making things easier, but in how we communicate and our level, or lack, of patience?

We expect immediate answers, constant communication. Patience is almost a lost art. Want dinner in a hurry? Nuke it. Most microwaves don't go above 15 minutes for the cheap ones and digital microwaves have a quick feature that doesn't go above 6. Writing letters is nearly a lost art, give over to the business letter that serves as hard copy proof in a court or for a file. Penmanship has gone down the tubes for most people and isn't even taught in schools any more. Lovers, family and friends...and even enemies...are connected by sound at the speed of light through microwaves, satellites, and fiber optics.

Instead of responding to diatribes in the newspapers, making them a much more interesting read, people flame each other on the net, which still makes for some interesting reading even if the respondents are Neanderthal idiots who can't form a complete sentence. Net-speak is sufficient to be understood. Graffiti of the nuclear age.

Letters once took months to reach from one party to the other, often getting lost when ships went down, mail trains were attacked by bandits or Indians or simply went off the rails due to some natural (often unnatural) disaster, or pony express riders just didn't make it to the end of the trail intact. Letters are buried all around the world, moldering, decomposing or waiting to be found by someone, but not the someone who waited for word about some important event.

With telegraph, telephone, and now computers, we don't have to wait so long. We are not bound by the vagaries of natural disaster, unless you count electricity, computer viruses, and hard drive crashes. Even when natural, or man-made, disasters occur, there are other options: telephone, cell phone, or someone else's computer. Smoke signals of the nuclear age and easier to read.

What does this do to the art of patience? Destroys it. Why should we wait with so many technological marvels at our disposal to communicate. Someone must really be in the back of beyond where there are no cell towers, no computer access, and no telephones to be unable to respond in some fashion. The miracle of instant communications is that we have any patience left at all.

All this technology also give us another problem: far too much information. We need to say something to fill up all that white space, keep a conversation going, especially since the time is unlimited with unlimited dial-up/DSL/cable service at one low affordable price. After all, we can't spend all our time working or cruising the net for porn or research or whatever. Or can we?

Communication is a shorthand speak of symbols and letters that stand for words. We are moving backward, devolving. How will the archaeologists of the future decipher our codes without a Rosetta stone?

Historians, scientists, and archaeologists believe communication in the ancient world evolved from symbols and single letters to take the place of the spoken word to spelling out words, but what if they are wrong. What if their hieroglyphic shorthand was the devolution of communication and the ancient world's net speak? Are we the living proof? Fully formed and spelled words and sentences devolving into letters, emoticons, symbols, and shorthand to make communicating even faster at the speed of light. Is it possible. Are we reliving a past that has played out over and over millennia after millennia for time out of mind? Do we have things backward?

But I was sleeping...

At least I was trying to sleep. No, I was sleeping and having a wonderful dream when the phone rang in my dream, slowly pulling me away from the center of the action, from the wonderful dream I was having, but it was real. A faint bell ringing. The phone again. I stirred in the darkness, caught between waking and sleeping. The phone was ringing. Who would call me in the middle of the night. Sudden flash. Trouble. I got up and stumbled to the living room, but the phone had stopped ringing. Maybe I was dreaming after all. I picked up the phone and looked. The number was still lit up. elementalmuse's number was on the phone. But my phone card has no more minutes and I couldn't call her back.

Something must be wrong for her to call me at 2 in the morning. She didn't call back. I fretted, tossed and turned courting sleep, fretting over what could be wrong. Good news? Bad news? Should I go upstairs and check my email? No, I want to go back to sleep. I want my dream back. But something could be wrong. What should I do? Sleep, some part of me whispered in my ear. If it was important she would have called back. Sleep, yes, sleep. But no, something could be wrong. So go online and check your email. But it's cold out there and it's warm here with a lovely cold breath of mountain air seeping thru the open window. Sleep and don't worry. Everything will work out all right.

I checked my email. Nothing. I went back to bed and finally managed to fall asleep. Usually, I have no problems. I can sleep any time anywhere and in just about any position.

Sweet dreams followed and I plunged head first into the deep warm well of Morpheus's making. Until...

A siren? Up here? In the year I've lived here, and when I visited for two weeks, I never heard sirens. I hear trucks and cars going by below my hilltop perch, but I don't hear anything else. No sirens. No screams. The occasional gunshot. But no sirens.

Someone or something is determined to disturb my sleep, forcing me to open my eyes and crawl from my cocoon of warmth and peace. The siren was coming closer and closer. It has been so long I can't tell an emergency vehicle from a police car. The siren was definitely coming closer, the sound caroming off the rocks and trees, waning, getting louder as it wound around the curves up the hill closer and closer. Then the sound seemed to fade a little at a time. He must have turned off on Elkdale and wound down the other side.

And then it hit me. The world outside my window, usually green and gold and suffused with morning blues and whites and pastels of the rising sun was wrong. It didn't look right. It was all white. Snow? Yes, it's snowing. Little salt shaker falls of white sifting onto everything. It's actually snowing. White world, green and gold and browns peering thru the thickening cover of white.

My plants! I'll lose my plants!

I got up and got dressed. Didn't brush my teeth or my hair. Didn't take a shower, just pulled on my clothes and shoes and headed for the deck where my plants were bowed beneath the growing weight of snow. Wet, heavy, water laden snow quickly obscured my plants.

Carrying the hummingbird feeder, I hung it on the bar and went to my plants. Were they dead? Frozen? I took the dill stalks and shook them. Snow flew everywhere and the scent of dill rose in a grateful cloud. Dill. I carried it inside and placed it in the wan sunlight in front of the doors near my telescope. One by one, I shook off the heavy enveloping frosty blanket and carried my plants inside. I'm sure some will die, but at least I won't have to water them today. The snow fast melting in the warmth inside the cabin will take care of that for me.

This has been the most freakish year, full of rain and cold and snow. Snow until June and now snow in September. At least the ski runs, if this continues, will open early, intoning their siren's call to snowbirds and winter seekers, those who circle the globe following the Snow Queen, fearing spring and summer and the warmth that drives her dripping into the northern latitudes far from the punishment of sun and heat.

At least my headache is gone. I thought it was just another big thunder storm forking the sky with vivid fireworks of lightning flares and flashes and strikes on its way, but it was the herald of the Snow Queen. Now I know I have to get the wood pile cut and stacked and clear out the ashes from the stove. Winter will be early this year.

Squirrels and chipmunks leap and cavort and chase across the deepening white, enjoying the snow day. I wonder if they have foreseen this and have raided my plants and crops to store for their winter snacking comfort.

My warm dreams are gone in the wake of the cold awakening. I am awake now, but I'm not really happy about it. At least I saved the plants and my eyes are open, but I don't guarantee anything else. I can't. My functional mind hasn't caught up with the animal instinct yet.

If it doesn't find me, maybe I can slip away and slip back between the sheets to seek those warm dreams again.

Hide Me

I'm avoiding work. I want to get the rest of these articles done this weekend so I can start on and finish the next 50 and get this job out from under. I'm up to my gray roots in vitamins, amino acids, minerals, weight lifting diets, and exercises.

I did take a little time out to visit with someone I knew in high school, Sara. Everyone knew her big brother, Bart, who was very hot, not to mention rocket scientist smart, friendly, gorgeous, and an all round favorite with students and teachers alike. Now he's a pediatrician in Tennessee and has a book for sale on Amazon.com on preemies. Sara is struggling thru her Master's and having major doubt problems, the bane of all writers. She doesn't claim to be a writer, but she is obviously good enough to have made to the graduate program. She needs confidence in herself and a big dose of procrastination STOP. I gave her all mine so I could keep procrastinating.

The sky is a slatey blue-gray and it has rained off and on all day. In fact, a rain-laden breeze swirled thru my bedroom window this morning and woke me up, calling me to come dance with the raindrops. I tried to go back to sleep but the clean, rainy breeze just wouldn't let me alone and I had to get up and follow the call.

Once outside, while hanging the hummingbird feeder and saying good morning to all my plants still out on the deck, I felt more like taking off and exploring the woods and vales and just walking until I couldn't walk any more, but I went back inside, said good morning to all my plants inside, watered them, pollinated a few new pepper blossoms, and picked a couple carrots to take upstairs with me while I answered my email and started working.

All day I've been antsy, wanting to get out of here, go dancing, pull a Maria and wander the alpine meadows under the sun and rain and dance among the rocks and trees. I feel far too good to sit inside and research more information about nutrition and body building. But I have to be good. I have to earn a living. I have to finish this so I can move onto something else that might pay a few more pennies and give me time to go back out and enjoy the sunshine or rain or whatever the weather sends. I'm stuffed full of information and it needs to settle before I ingest any more, but I have to work.

So, instead I'll think about Nona since she's been on my mind since yesterday.

Thinking back to Salt Lake City and rooming with Nona is a mixed back of bad and really, really bad. She was a flake of the first order, but she was cousin to a friend of mine back at Hill AFB. He thought he was doing me a favor when I was separating from Dave and waiting for the divorce hearing to come up. So I decided to move in with Nona. We had separate bedrooms, except at night when she crept in to watch me sleep. I didn't know it at the time...or at least I didn't know about it until I woke one night to find her about to plunge a very big and very sharp shiny knife into my chest. When I woke up and caught her she pretended she didn't know where she was and tried to pass it off as having multiple personalities. "What time is it? Where am I?" she asked without one bit of sincerity. Oh, she would have sounded sincere to someone who wasn't the target for her midnight plunge, but not to me.

Nona also had a thing about men. She couldn't leave them alone. I wasn't kidding when I said she should have had a revolving door on her bedroom and a parking meter by the bed. Men were in and out of the apartment so much we should have hired a doorman and a waiting room the size of an airport hangar, but it would still have been crowded. At least she was consistent and she had a lot of fun. I had fun just watching. I used to sing, "Cain't Say No," Ado Annie's song from the musical Oklahoma, to her all the time whenever she mentioned a new guest for the nonce.

Whut you goin' to do when a feller gits flirty
And starts to talk purty? whut you goin' to do?
S'posin' 'at he says 'at yer lips're like cherries
Er roses, er berries? Whut you goin' to do?
S'posin' 'at he says 'at you're sweeter 'n cream
And he's gotta have cream er die?
Whut you goin' to do when he talks that way
Spit in his eye?

That's just part of the song, but she was true to song. Couldn't resist a guy with a gleam in his eye and a line a mile long. Didn't matter. He was it for the nonce.

Our apartment had a balcony that faced a drive-in theater. One of her fellers rigged up a receiver for us, found the frequency, and we'd sit out on the balcony and watch/listen to the movies for free. We were up high enough to see over the big fence.

Cheap entertainment: Movies every night and Nona's fellas.

Wonder what happened to Nona.

I'll shut up now. Enough nostalgia even for me and I really should get back to work, but I think I'll turn the stereo up really high and sing and dance for a while. Gotta get rid of all this energy.

News from the mountains

Okay, I'll make a real post.

Things are looking up and down for me.

The down part is a paycheck that was not deposited and it looks like I'll have to wait for them to work it out. I hope my landlords don't kick me out of my happy cabin in the mountains in the meantime. They probably won't (just yet) because I have been a good tenant who paid on time and in full for a whole year.

As a matter of fact, today is my anniversary or birthday or celebration or something. Today I have been in my secluded cabin in the Rockies for exactly one year. Talk about a great way to celebrate. Thank the god/desses I have plenty of water in the well and enough masa to make tortillas for probably another year. LOL It's not that bad, but nearly that bad. That's what happens, kiddies, when you give all your money to help someone start a television program and they never pay you back. That money is looking real good right now, but it ain't coming over to this side of the Divide for sure.

Oh, yeah, the good news. I got two more clients today. It's not much money, but if they like my work it could turn into a permanent slave position for below slave wages. I need lots of those. It's not like I have a social life. I've heard of them, but I don't have one. Someone is going to have to remind me what that is beyond the words. I understand the concept but I sure don't remember how it goes. Sort of like doing the two-step. I can see the steps, but my feet and legs can't seem to get the rhythm down. Too many years between Urban Cowboy and me.

Yes, kiddies, I actually used to go to Country & Western bars and dance my boots off.

I remember this one bar in Salt Lake City. It was called The Westerner Club. I used to go there on the weekends with a friend, and sometimes during the week. During the week the bandstand was pushed up until this huge hangar-like bar dance hall was about one-third the size. They had four or five bars and a huge dance floor when it was opened all the way up. There were the regulars and girls like me and my roommate, Nona.

I haven't thought about this in centuries.

Anyway, Nona was the kind of girl who had a revolving door on her bedroom and a parking meter by the bed. She loved men -- constantly. She worked as manager of a hot dog stand in Trolley Square. Her stand was like a trolley car and it looked out over the whole trolley garage. But I digress.

We'd go down in my company car, a Volkswagen Rabbit with the stick shift and the diesel engine. In fact, I learned to drive stick on that car in the midst of traffic on the hills and freeways around Salt Lake City. It was an interesting excursion, but I learned fast. Good thing. I can still remember thinking I'd end up like Bill Cosby in his first stick shift on the hills of San Francisco -- starting my own parking lot at the light.

Wednesday nights at The Westerner Club were the most active during the week. There was one guy, a runty little guy with muscles in his eyelids that bulged like he'd been doing clean and jerks with his lashes. He was so muscle bound his arm stuck out to the side and he couldn't pull them close to his body. He made his circuits of the dance floor winking and nodding to the women hoping someone would take him up on his offer to dance. Only the newbies did. It only took once to figure out he couldn't dance and that all those muscles kept you from getting too close, which was a very good thing. His cologne was enough to gag a mountain goat.

There was another guy, the kind we called a goat roper, a sort of cowboy who had the clothes and the walk down, but you were quite sure if he could ride a horse, break a Brahma bull, or even knew where the open range actually was. He was kind of cute with his starting ZZ Top beard and his crumpled ten-gallon hat. There was some talk that he was wearing it on the wrong head, but I'm sure he was ambi-headed. He used to wear the neatest slides on his spiffy string tie. He made them himself, or rather carved them himself. One was my favorite. It was a beautifully carved and painted pair of breasts with nipples that didn't point up. I asked him about it and we ended up becoming dance partners for a long time. He knew how to dance and could two-step better than anyone on the floor. We had a lot of fun in those days after I split from my first husband and lived in Salt Lake for a while. Truckers, dancing, good music and The Charley Daniels band and the Devil Went Down to Georgia.

Celebrate

Today is my father's 77th birthday and my parents' 54th anniversary. Dad is a smart man. He'll never forget his anniversary as long as he remembers his birthday.

There was a time when I couldn't imagine my father staying with my mother this long. But despite all appearances to the contrary they really love each other. My mother constantly says she doesn't love my father and that he doesn't love her, but it's a Shakespeare line: Methinks the lady doth protest too much. My mother is oftentimes full of sound and fury signifying nothing, but she does have a good heart even if she is easily distracted. She is ruthlessly possessive at times and completely loyal to those she loves, but she just cannot stand not having the last word. Her favorite trick is to hang up when a conversation or discussion is going her way on the phone and she doesn't apologize for it either. She may cool down later and call back asking if you're ready to listen, but she will still have the last word. It took more than half my life to figure out that sometimes it isn't necessary to win an argument or have the last word, especially with my mother. So I keep some of my opinions to myself, nod and smile, seemingly in agreement with her, but we both know the truth.

My father is the quiet type and scatters praise like a miser scattering coins to the masses. If he says anything at all it's, "It's nice" or "That's nice," and nothing else. I've learned to read between the lines. Dad came from a dirt poor family and his mother died when he was ten years old. His father liked booze a bit too much and when Grandma died went in with a couple of friends and ran a still. Well, the revenooers found the still and my grandfather on duty and he went to jail for two years rather than give up his buddies. There's a strong loyal streak on both sides of my family.

Dad is friendliness personified and if anyone wonders where I get my gregarious nature you don't have far to look. It's a Cornwell trait. We never met a stranger, just friends we haven't met. Dad, like most of the people in my family, true to their Cherokee heritage, is stoic and would rather go to work half dead than stay home in bed. He can cook, sew, and curl little girls' hair into ringlets and Shirley Temple curls. He has an artistic and generous soul and the most incredible open smile. He wasn't demonstrative when I was growing up, but I've broken him to the hug at last.

Mom's histrionic at times and Dad's quiet and prefers the path of least resistance to an argument. They are an odd couple, but they're both interesting and loving people. And they're my parents.

What?

I missed three days of posts. Can that be possible? Have I completely lost track of the time or did I just have nothing to say? Me, nothing to say? Perish the thought.

Endless games of Mah Jong, writing in my paper journal, trying to get thru another book that could be wonderful if it weren't for the lousy grammar and even lousier word choices, and fending off rodents who are determined to eat my brand new tender plants, and bidding on jobs, two of which I didn't get. But I got one of them this morning: One hundred 200-300-word articles on weight lifting, body building, nutrition, and health for a whopping $100. Gotta start somewhere. The guy is looking for someone who can do the job quickly and use some key words and asked me to give him a sample. I wrote a 625-word article on working the biceps, using the phrase working the biceps once in the title and twice in the article. I did it. He was impressed and now I have 100 very short articles to write, which comes out to about 33/100 of one cent per word. Big pay for a writer of my caliber, but you gotta start somewhere. He says he will have more money for more articles later and wants to build a relationship with a good writer. I have, however, figured out how to snag these Rent-A-Coder assignments--give them a sample up front and dazzle them with your writing skills. That's how the other jobs were cut out from under me. Well, that and quoting really, really, REALLY cheap prices. Gotta pay the rent and buy food somehow.

After reading the good news, I decided to go downstairs to go to the bathroom again (thanks to elementalmuse who seems to have somehow attached her diet to my bladder -- she calls it sympathetic peeing) and stopped outside on the deck to check my plants, give them a drink and just drink in the clear mountain air and sunshine for a few minutes before I came back upstairs to rent myself out as cheaply as possible. While I was enjoying the view and the air, a little female hummingbird flew over me and perched a mere four inches from my hand and just ruffled her feathers and whistled at me. Lesbian bird, I thought at first, but I think she was just saying hello. She knows who feeds her. I talked her to her and she inched a little closer before finally flying away, circling my head once and whistling as she darted into the trees. It was a remarkable feeling having her so close and so unafraid of me. I just wish I could scare away the chipmunks and squirrels who have developed a taste for my flat leaf Italian parsley ever since I covered the new seeds in the covered tray so they can grow uneaten.

I noticed that mentalfuse finally made a double appearance when I was reading the journals I missed over the weekend and wrote some pretty interesting stuff about books and authors. About time he showed up. I was about to send out the blood hounds to find him and bleed him dry.

In the meantime, I'm going to shut up early. I just realized it's dark outside and I left the hummingbird feeder on the deck where the ravenous raccoons are sure to plunder the syrup and spill it all over the railing and deck to attract ants and keep the hummingbirds away. So, disperse.

Whores moaning...

According to Merriam-Webster Online a whore is:

1. an adulterer
2. a woman who engages in sexual acts for money (sort of like a married woman)
3. a prostitute
4. a promiscuous or immoral woman
5. a male who engages in sexual acts for money (gigolo and every guy who ever married Joan Collins)
6. a venal or unscrupulous person (advertising execs, sponsors, most of Congress and government at all levels)

In this puritanical society sex has become something to fear, to point fingers at, and to engage in in secret. Sex has become a sin and anyone who has ever enjoyed sex and pleasure tainted by association. This has not always been true, but it certainly makes things difficult for those of us who simply enjoy the feel, touch, scent, taste, and sensation of being intimate with someone. When did pleasure become so negative?

A friend recently mentioned they thought I was much more experienced sexually than I actually am, partly because I am very open and honest about sex and completely uninhibited about discussing sex. I am chaste now, but I have not always been. I have been married and I have also indulged in one or two intimate encounters out-of-wedlock (I'm being modest of course). I am an unashamedly sexual and sensual woman, not that I have exercised my pleasure options with anyone for a very long time, but I still love everything about sex and men and sensuality.

There are a few people on my friends list who know about my uninhibited past as a very successful and well paid phone sex operator. I'm not talking about the cinematic equivalent who sits in an office or in a cubicle and pretends to have sex with callers, but someone who worked from home and spent a great deal of time enjoying myself along with the callers. I have a very vivid imagination and an even more insatiable appetite for pleasure in many forms. Surprisingly, most of the men who called on a regular basis just wanted someone to talk to them, to acknowledge their existence and listen to them.

During my time on the phones I learned a lot about what makes men tick and what makes them hot and makes them squirm. I also found out that even jerks want the same things the rest of humanity want -- to be loved, cherished, and enjoyed. The shyest guy you will ever meet has his fantasies, too, and some of them are pretty wild.

The most common fantasy is being with a woman who enjoys giving oral sex and the second most common fantasy was being with someone who enjoyed sex as much as the guy did.

It's funny, an old friend told me that he thought of marriage like a meal with the dessert at the beginning of the meal. Personally, I like dessert before, during, and after the meal, but, like I said, I'm insatiable, especially when the dessert is so delectable.

So why do people with high libidos invariably end up with partners who don't care for sex or just lose their taste for it? I know opposites attract, but not that opposite. Both my husbands were more interested in sex with others, but then they didn't have to worry about that dessert cart that stays during the whole meal. They could get what they wanted and never go back for seconds because there was always a different meal at another restaurant to sample. Nick spent all of his time in adult bookstores shoving quarters into narrow, confined, and smelly booths watching grainy porn flicks and then shoving dollar bills into G-strings down the road before he finally came home drunk and unable to perform getting out of his clothes before passing out on the bed. My Romeo of the titty bars.

My first husband spent some of his sperm at home, but he didn't last longer than a couple minutes at a time and I was just getting up to cruising speed. No wonder I missed the orgasmic train until I was in my forties.

Despite being married twice and having two lovers in between my marriages, I was still fantasizing about sex and enjoying the sensual pleasures alone. That changed and I was changed. I finally understood what all the shouting was about and it only took me 44 years. At least I got it before I died.

But what is all this about? Why am I rambling on so and forcing you down memory lane? Because I still can't figure out why any woman should be afraid to enjoy herself with whomever or why she should be anathematized for her uninhibited enjoyment of pleasure.

I doubt we'd have as many wars if everyone was having a good time exploring all the pleasures available right here on earth. Sex is not a dirty word and pleasure is not a sin.

Humans are curious and want to try everything they can. I didn't mind my husbands sleeping with other women as much as I minded them not sleeping with me. And I don't understand women and men who have partners willing to give them every pleasure imaginable and ignoring them. Folks, if you won't jump into the pleasure orgy or find some time to be with your partner, someone else will. Marriage is a fine institution and keeping yourselves until yourselves is fine when it comes to the paternity of your children, but don't let the every day worries, work, and mundane details take the pleasure out of your life. The trash, the dishes, and the laundry will wait. Give up a couple nightly television programs, go to bed early, get up early, take a shower together, but don't forget the pleasure and excitement you knew when you first got together. If you forget, you will regret it. Pleasure isn't hard (unless it's a man). Enjoy it while you can and enjoy it at every single opportunity you can beg, borrow or steal.

On this subject I will not shut up. I will be back. Until then, disperse and go find someone to share your pleasure. Take the phone off the hook, get a sitter for the kids, sit in the back of the movie theater or your SUV or car and make out. Go have fun.

Quick ramble

thru the swirling thoughts in my mind. I know I'm being really posty today, but my mind has been whirling with tornadoes of thought and emotion and music. Always music. Like scent, music puts me in a frame of mind to evoke memories and engender thoughts and even author dreams.

Lately my dreams have been a jumble of sex and more mundane things, and yet they are not quite mundane. A vampire romance given to me last weekend created a dream of vampire sex, deep penetrating, dizzyingly orgasmic, and strangely fantastic vampire sex. I don't have a problem with sex or vampires, but I haven't ever been the recipient or the participant of such a strange conjunction of libido and desire. I know where the sex dreams come from and they are quite new. I had almost eradicated them from my repertoire, except for brief forays into momentary need quickly and efficiently relieved . . . that is until my whores started moaning when I came in contact with a very real and very potent sexual attraction. Call me shocked and hungry.

But to follow the sex dreams with dreams of taking over an English class because no one else can be found is something else again. Someone talked me into taking on an English class and gave me no idea of what the students (juniors in high school) would be studying or what was expected of me. I decided to have weekly spelling quizzes to expand the students' minds and vocabulary, especially since there are about 5000 words in the English language and most people barely use 250 of those. Even the more erudite among us use barely 1000 words, one-fifth of the total vocabulary. New words are adopted and used all the time and medical, legal, and technical language have expanded our vocabulary exponentially, but really, one-fifth of the usable language in semi-constant use? Sounds like parsimony to me. Would you believe most of those words are monosyllabic entries and comprise more than 60% of all communication? Check over this post and the posts of friends, neighbors and enemies and I guarantee you can figure out the 20 words that everyone uses most.

Anyway, I decided to base one-quarter of their final grade on the vocabulary and spelling quizzes each week and devised a way to make them thing without just reading off the words. The test would be comprised of definitions and the student would have to spell the word correctly and get the right word. Points would be deducted for spelling the word correctly but failing to put it with its correct definition.

I also decided to have the students keep journals of their thoughts about the class and their learning expedition and had begun to make lists of words I would use for vocabulary tests when I woke up with the urgent desire to find the bathroom and enthrone myself for a good long while. In fact, I was on the throne when the dream woke me. That's always a signal for me to wake up and tend to more immediate business than the dream. Reality intruding in the dream world and yanking me back thru time and space.

Could be my dreams are telling me I am in a teaching situation -- or about to be -- and it is tangled up in and among the sex, but it really doesn't matter in the long run.

Another thought has been nagging me as well--my next Grammar Goofs column: the preponderance of Os in certain words. I won't unveil my column yet, but if you go to Scribe & Quill you can sign up before the rush and get your free copy of the monthly newsletter, which is very late this month. You won't have only my column to read; there are lots of other poems, stories, articles, and information in which to wallow. My column is only one small part of the whole thing. And if you're really brave and interested in all things writerly and pagan, you can check out Pen & Pentacle and see what's up with the witchy set. Yes, I have a column there, too, but it's mostly history of the pagan holidays and a little bit of herbology in the form of incense making. Of course, the poetry and prose in P&P is worth the look-see and you might just learn something if you stay clear of my column, which is only for those who are not the faint of heart types. Wouldn't want to burn your virgin senses with too my information or history.

I guess it's time for me to shut up since I seem to have run out of things to say.

And no comments from the peanut gallery or I'll befriend you and put you on my list.

"I'm in love with a voice...

...Plaza oh, double four, double two." Judy Holliday sang that in Bells Are Ringing as Ella Peterson, aka Melisande Scott, and she was talking about playwright Jeffrey Moss, played by Dean Martin. This was also Judy Holliday's last screen role. She died of cancer five years later and we lost a beautiful, talented, funny, and wonderful actress and woman.

Although some critics say Bells Are Ringing did not translate well from stage to screen, I have to disagree. The luminous and brilliant colors, Judy's voice, and Dean Martin on screen was a treat for the eyes and the ears . . . and for the heart. Jean Stapleton played Sue of Sue's Answerphone who was taken in by J. Otto Prantz, a crook and bookie played by Eddie Foy, Jr.. You remember Jean Stapleton; she played Edith Bunker opposite Carroll O'Connor during one of the longest running TV shows in history: All In the Family.

It is strange when you look back at cultural icons like Archie and Edith Bunker and realize they were once young and coming up thru the acting ranks without a clue of what was ahead of them, focusing only on making it one more day, one more show, one more chance to own their hearts' desire. I always wonder what their lives were like, how they were able to put their own emotions to good use in making the characters they played realistic even when they were confused or distraught or just unhappy. But acting teaches you to lie and acting teaches you to dig into your well of emotions and pull one out to use for effect. I know. I did a lot of acting in my youth, on screen and on the boards, but I have lost the knack.

There have been times when my emotions ran me over like a Mack truck and I was helpless in their grasp, so I learned to shut up and suck them down into the well and cover them with a heavy lid. Living up here has changed my ability to cover my emotions and bury them deep in the well. Luckily, when my emotions are tangled and bursting out of me in great sobs or cries of frustration, fear, or pain, I am alone and only the animals hear me. I am safe in my mountain aerie far from civilization and people who can look at me with pity and concern or disgust at my outbursts.

Now I wrestle with my emotions for the page, pouring out my heart and venting my spleen onto the virtual page or the printed page and sending my emotions, dreams, beliefs, and pain into the world as fiction. Then along comes someone who gives me music that touches my soul and my heart and wrings tears and smiles from me. I can't believe I am developing a taste for country and western singers. I was taught better than to fall in with the truck-driving-crying-into-a-beer-drinking set. Gods forbid. But he knows me so well and doesn't realize how well he knows me because he is showing me his heart and his pain in the lines of the music, touching off emotional fireworks I have so carefully sealed in the well.

I enjoy looking back thru my life from time to time to figure out what I've learned and where I should next head down the path in front of me. I have stirred the emotions at the bottom of the well from time to time so I can let them out into the light and let them go. So why does this gift of music and emotion come now? I haven't stirred the well, but he has plucked off the lid with deft and gentle fingers to show me we are not so different and that our hearts have traveled a parallel path. So much between us and circumstance keeps us at arm's length like males and females at a Civil Air Patrol drill when the genders are not allowed to get too close. I ask again: Why now? He is in pain and I have been thru the fire. I can help him find his emotional footing and support him when he makes his ultimate decision and every time I want to reach out and put my arms around him I have to be careful because he is not free to accept what I want to offer.

My heart and mind scream, "DANGER," and I know I'm walking directly into the heart of the fire and yet I would not change the happiness I feel connecting with the shared moments of our past.

There is a scene in The Thorn Birds when Father Dane is swimming in Greece and has a heart attack. At first he thrashes around, postponing his death and avidly seeking survival and then he becomes calm and realizes that if he is true to himself and his god that he will accept the judgment and allow the sea to take him. He drowns with a smile of peace and contentment on his face, the water filling his lungs and pulling him into the depths. He knew his fate and gave himself willingly to it without fear or struggle.

I don't know my fate, but I have a good idea where this will lead and I'm willing to accept that fate and drown. Being this close to happiness and being unable to clasp it openly is hard, but the alternative is to walk away from these moments and I will never do that again. Whatever fate has in store is still partially hidden, but if these are the rules then I will follow them happily even if I drown or end up impaled on the thorn trees like the birds for which Colleen McCullough's book is named. I have taken much in my life and it's my turn to give something back.

Down for the count...

I'm still reeling from the past weekend and from my embarrassing show on Saturday night. No, I did not take off my clothes and dance naked on the kitchen table . . . there were children present. But I did give elementalmuse and her daughter a shellacking in Monopoly even though they teamed up against me. Her son sat out the Monopoly game but came and played iMAgiNiff and we were laughing so hard I wet myself. There, I said it. I embarrassed myself. I can't say when I laughed so hard before Saturday night . . . and it wasn't the mud slides or the strawberry margaritas. It was just a fun game. We used some of your names in the game to fill the spaces: impropaganda, drjeff, mentalfuse, and a few others who shall not be named. I guarantee we had a good time deciding what kinds of things you were likely to do and I think we did pretty well, otherwise I wouldn't have ... well, you know.

Last week was a very full week for me and I haven't had so many guests in all the time I have lived up here. I could have happily accommodated many more. There's plenty of room. And I can guarantee a good night's sleep the likes you haven't known in a while. Even elementalmuse with her insomnia couldn't believe how deeply and easily she slept. I'm telling you, the air and atmosphere out here is conducive to a good night's sleep, but you'll never know unless you come to visit.

My old friend came up on Sunday and we spent a few hours chewing on old fat and reminiscing about the good old days in school. He told me some things I didn't know and I told him things he didn't know, which is part of the magic of old friends with different friends and perspectives. I would certainly love to hear Sara's version of the hiking trip from Hell and I'll bet it's funnier than my old friend's version, especially since Sara is the one who feels she was in danger.

There is a warmth and comfort that comes with someone you have known for years and not seen in decades, an instant familiarity even when you have drifted apart. I found myself wondering why I couldn't have been bolder and told my old friend I thought of him in that way before we were battered and beset by time's winds and fortunes. But neither of us can change the directions we took away from each other and I'm just glad we found ourselves in the same place at the same time this go-round. I didn't realize how much I missed home and of course you can't tell my phone bill. I talk to my mother and father once or twice a week just to let them know I'm still alive and kicking around. They should know by now I'm not going to fall off the edge of a mountain or die too soon, but they still worry. Parents!

But having someone with whom I share so much history and happy memories is a gift I never expected. He has promised to come visit again and I hope he makes it soon. We still have a lot of catching up to do and a lot more to learn about each other. I will say he has turned into a remarkable and wonderful man who is sensitive and honest and honorable. He had the glimmers of those attributes so long ago, but it is so good to see how they have flowered and I hope to take the rest of our lives growing together instead of apart. Friends like him are hard to come by and too precious to waste.

In the meantime, it's back to the grindstone and cranking out some real writing instead of spending all my energy telling all of you, my friends, what you already know. Life is a grand journey and I'm glad to share it with all of you.

I'm baaaack

...just before you can all string me up for being MIA again. I have been here and there, but I haven't kept up with everyone's posts and I'm guilty of throwing you all over for a guy. Oh, well, might as well admit it. You've been axed for a man in my life. Satisfied? I am. And he's not just any old Internet guy I picked up in some sleazy chat room but someone I've known in a past life. See? It's more cerebral than . . . oh, get your minds out of the gutter.

Actually, the man in question is an old friend from high school and someone I've known since the sixth grade at good old John Burroughs Elementary School in Columbus, Ohio where I attended only that year, and only half of that year. I was at another school the first half of the year in a combined 5th/6th grade class where I taught all the kids Spanish, having just come back from Panama a couple of years previous to that. Oh, yes, the man in question.

Well, he was a boy scout at the same time I was a girl scout and we attended meetings at the old church on the corner of Burgess Avenue and Sullivant Avenue kitty corner from the elementary school. We were both in the same class at JB and both of us were safety patrols (until he got kicked off for some reason) and I had the corner where he crossed to come to school and to go home every day. He ended up at Hilltonia because he was on the north side of Sullivant and I went to Westmoor because I was on the south side of Sullivant, which was the dividing line for such things. We didn't see each other again for three years, one of which I spent at North Olmsted Jr. High School because my dad was still in the Army and for his last tour of duty he was sent to Parma Heights Depot and we lived in North Olmsted, which is a suburb of Cleveland. We crossed paths again at West High School, although we had no classes together that I remember. He introduced me to John Denver when he brought his records over to my house and played them for me. We were always friendly, but moved in different circles . . . or that is to say I moved in most every circle, but wasn't a part of any of them. I was a floater. He spent most of his time with a group of guys interested in science and rocketry and I can't believe they didn't even think to include me, but you know how boys can be at that age.

Actually, I didn't think he liked me very much so you can imagine my complete and total surprise when he emailed me a few days ago when I was talking to my mother on the phone. Mom was very peeved at me because she had to hold the phone at arm's length in order to keep her ear drums intact from my squeals of surprise and delight. As soon as I saw who the email was from I got an immediate picture of a be-spectacled young man in his boy scout uniform with a very impressive sash full of badges from hip to shoulder and over onto the back of the sash. He was wearing shorts as I recall and sensible boy scout shoes, but he was smiling that shy smile I remember so well. Like I said, I liked him and thought him intelligent and honorable, if a little shy.

Over the course of the past few days we have discovered a great deal about each other, not the least surprising of which is that he had a crush on me in high school but thought me out of his reach. Knock me over with a feather. We have since found out we have been, over the course of our adult lives, in the same places at the same time and never crossed paths. We have lived in some of the same areas and been to the same functions and yet we remained oblivious of the other's existence in our sphere of influence and travel. To make things even more interesting, he is in Colorado Springs and I'm here in Tabernash and he didn't know I was so close when he emailed. He found me on Classmates.com of all places. When he emailed the old address there he received an autoresponder message that told him the new email addy and there he was in my queue. What a coincidence life can be sometimes -- if I believed in coincidence that is.

He is married and has just celebrated his 27th year of marriage and has a ten-year-old daughter.

We have been swapping life histories and doing the do-you-remember him/her/this or that for almost a week now and he is coming to visit on Sunday for a couple of hours because he'll be in Jefferson County outside Denver for a hamfest. No, it has nothing to do with pigs. I already asked that. He is still into ham radios and the hamfest refers to that. It's sort of a swap meet for radio parts and a chance to get together with on the air buddies in the area. Personally, I thought it was some kind of actor's get-together because of the ham reference, but when I found out what time they met (8 a.m.) I knew they wouldn't even be awake at that hour let alone up and running around Jefferson County Fairgrounds, so it had to be the pig thing. Okay, so I was wrong. I'm entitled. I'm not wrong very often.

So, a blast from the past (which is what he put in the subject line of his first email one week ago today) is coming to visit and reminisce for a couple of hours. We are so completely different now and yet we really aren't all that different. Physically, experientially, we have changed, but the essence of who we are remains the same and always has.

I cannot believe this week. I have lived in solitary seclusion for nearly a year and I have had more visitors this week than I have had the whole time I've lived here. First, Emma and the girls, and tonight I get to see my favorite elementalmuse and her two wonderful kidlets, and the next day after the muse leaves one day too early for my taste, my old friend will be here to spend a couple of hours.

So, if any of you have teenagers who are weeping and wailing over not being noticed by any of the opposite sex in school, let them read this or tell them about it. Just because someone isn't confident enough or bold enough to ask you for a date or tell you they like you doesn't mean they really don't. I have been surprised on several occasions, especially at my 20th class reunion, by people I didn't think even knew I existed telling me how much they liked me but didn't think I'd be interested in them so they kept quiet. Some of the boys were even part of the most popular group in school. So you never know.

Of course, it's too late to do anything about it now, but it's nice to know anyway.

I didn't mention the gentleman's name I threw you all over for, did I? It's a simple honest name. John Evans. And we have a lot more in common than we ever knew.

As much as I love living in my secluded cabin in the Rockies, I didn't realize that I was a little homesick, too. I have several friends here and all around the country, but there is something special about having a friend from back home that makes me feel a little less lonely and a little more connected to my past. One thing I have learned is that no matter how much you want to turn your back on the past, on your home, your heartaches, your sorrows, fears, and horror stories, Dorothy is right. There is no place like home -- and no friend more special than one who knew you when.

We are the sum total of our experiences, good and bad, and without those we would not be who we are at this very minute. People who create themselves anew, give themselves new names and new identities, can never completely erase the past because it is woven into the very warp and woof of every fiber of your being. We need not be trapped by the past, but we are all products of our past.

We can't go back and change anything, but we can learn from it all. And we can use that knowledge to forge ahead into a brighter future. It's nice to stroll down memory lane as long as we don't get lost or tangled up in the vines of regret and feelings of if-I-had-only-known. The past is a benchmark, a reminder of where we have been, but it doesn't have to be a stumbling block in our paths.

I will share some poignant memories with John and I will also relive a few shared moments, but what we build from this point on is a future friendship that is flavored and spiced by our common past. That's always something worth having.

Time for me to shut up. I've given you enough to make up for my absence and if you don't agree, write something and I'll fire back a pithy response. If you do agree, write something anyway just so I can think up a pithy response to fire back. This is a volleyball game of connections and reconnections, so let's play.

Bald rhetoric

Why is that when someone makes a statement and points to proof that is bald rhetoric to someone else who points to his proof and says their proof is incontrovertible evidence?

For two days now, I have been discussing the possibility that the universe just might have a consciousness. (it's an idea for a story) I have been blasted by many students of physics and one in particular has been hounding me by saying I'm giving him bald rhetoric instead of proof. I point him in the direction of the evidence that convinced me and he still maintains I am hitting him with bald rhetoric even while he admits that scientists have been wrong and continue to be split on the what makes up the universe and why it works. Sounds to me like mathematics with holes in the equations more like rhetoric than an Orientalist and historians deciphering of ancient documents that claim they knew more about the solar system than we currently do.

I'm sorry. I cannot get behind the theory that there are pyramidal structures all over the world because each separate race and culture developed pyramids at the same time, especially when archaeologists and historians show the diffusion of the different races of man spreading out from a single point in Africa but then stopped at the Atlantic Ocean because they couldn't get across even though they could build megalithic structures with multi-megaton blocks of finely dressed stone that they carved and shaped with stone and copper tools and fitted with a precision unparalleled even today. Yeah, you can build monoliths and transport dressed stones over vast distances, over mountain, rivers, and seas, but you can't sail across an ocean to a continent that you do not know is there. How stupid do you have to be to forget Occam's Razor? The simplest answer is usually the right one.

The ancients wrote about the planets in the solar system and knew about Pluto, which wasn't discovered until the 20th century, but they were making up stories. It's all mythology. That's some pretty spectacular fantasizing if they knew more ten thousand years before NASA began exploring with the Voyager probes in the 1970s. But that's all allegory and conjecture. That's bald rhetoric. That's not proof.

What do these people want, blood?

The Olmecs carved massive statues, which they brought from over 80 kms away, that clearly show Asian and African faces. So, because I have been told my logic sucks, I have a logical progression for you.

If all life began in the Rift Valley in Africa, and all races developed from that original race, and all races moved outward from that point (we'll forget about Noah for now because he's myth at this point despite the evidence of a world wide flood and the existence of people after the flood, not to mention the countless flood stories in every single culture on earth), it is impossible that anyone could have migrated from Africa to the Americas and diffused their culture throughout the American continents. The Olmec statues are anomalies, fantasies dreamed up in the fertile brains of the ancients and not portraits of themselves and the people who lived in the Americas. The people in the Americas migrated over the land bridge between Russia and Alaska and diffused outward from there a relatively short time ago (even though their megalithic structures (that's really, really big stone buildings) date to the same time as similar structures in the "known" world, and the supposed migration happened much later, but they didn't bring their culture with them or their architects, builders, religion, etc. Those were all left behind and they created their civilizations without any pre-conceived notions, abilities, or techniques and decided a pyramidal structure was the most stable because they saw it in nature all around them, and even though they built most of their structures in more rectancular and square cubic shapes, and even though they all used the pyramidal structures as religious centers (and tombs) and for viewing and measuring the heavens.

Of course that doesn't explain why the oldest civilizations in the Americas show up along the coastlines and move inward and not the other way around. The ancients would never have even considered passing up all the fertile land along their route because, after all, the seaside was so much better for their health. The ancients weren't capable of navigating the Atlantic Ocean and landing on the seashores and moving inward as their colonies progressed and prospered. That just does not make good common sense because historians and archaeologists say it doesn't make good common sense. Remember Occam's Razor?

Scientists can calculate pi to the Nth degree, but they can't see what's right in front of their faces. Give it up, folks. The truth is right in front of you and Occam told you how to recognize it . . . it's the simplest answer.

How can historians and scientists take the numerous tablets that listed legal documents, food stores, and Hammurabi's Code of laws at face value and completely deny the veracity of their astronomical, historical, and religious documents, even to the point of calling the Sumerians' religion mere allegory, fantasy, and mythology? There's Occam's Razor again.

Scientists, historians, and mathematicians, you cannot use Occam's Razor to prove your pet theories and deny what you don't agree with in the same breath using the same standard. As I've written before, Occam's Razor cuts both ways.

Open your eyes. The truth is out there.

I'll shut up now.