Rainy Saturday

The dishwasher is swish-thumping and the kitchen is clean. I even cleaned the stove. All I need to do now is clean the bathroom, take out the trash and vacuum and I'm done with my Saturday chores.

I feel relaxed for the first time since summer became so hot. It rained all day yesterday and all last night, singing it's lullaby to me as I drifted away in sleep. I woke to more rain and the forecast predicts even more rain tomorrow. The air is cool and wet and I want nothing more than to climb back into bed with a book and listen to the music of rainfall on the leaves and roof and feel the cool, wet air drifting through the window to caress my cheek as I sleep, sending me soothing dreams. What can I say? I love the rain. I always have. I also love snow.

As a small child, I'd run outside, hold my arms up and turn my face to the clouds and spin, catching raindrops on my tongue, my skin soaking up the precious cool drops. I still do, although less so since I moved to the cottage since there is no grass to cushion and cool my bare feet. Such a small thing to give up for the wonder of rain making music, blessings from the elementals, for which I am very grateful.

That is all. Disperse. Go play in the rain.

Another writer?

For me, one of the best things about writing, other than getting checks in the mail, is helping another writer get started.

Last night, a good friend who has recently battled (and won against) breast cancer emailed because she couldn't find my number. She forgot to put it in her cell phone. (She calls them blonde moments since she recently went blonde. I call them Alzheimer's or senior moments, but she's sticking to blonde.) A miracle happened and she wanted to share it. I waited. And waited. And waited. She didn't call. I could just see her fumbling with her new cell phone trying to get my named spelled just right and putting in my phone number with some of the numbers reversed, checking it against the email and putting it in again, so I called her.

The miracle is that her twin sister, who has been in the hospital near death for weeks, is out of danger and has been transferred to a rehab facility in northern Colorado. It is a miracle because it didn't look like Glenda was going to make it. The doctors were talking about taking her off the machines, but Glenda rebounded and she's going to be fine.

As we talked, I told her the news about the two new books coming out and about writing. Her therapist suggesting keeping a journal to help her deal with the breast cancer and all the surgeries and she asked if it was the kind of thing that a publisher might be interested in. I told her yes and suggested checking out the Chicken Soup and Cup of Comfort web sites and that if she wanted to write about her experiences I'd be glad to help her navigate the publishing waterways. A writer may have just been born last night and that makes me really happy, not only for her but for the people whose lives she will touch.

She is such a funny and intelligent woman who has dealt with the worst that life can throw at you with grace and tenacity. That is something to write about.

That is one of the most wonderful things about writing, helping someone find their voice. I don't consider her a rival, but a sister of the pen. There can never be too many writers -- or readers for that matter. Good thing writers like to read, too.

That is all. Disperse.

Good news day

Today is the day for good news. I received the news that my story, The Bed, comes out next month in A Cup of Comfort for Families Touched By Alzheimer’s and Chicken Soup for the Empty Nester's Soul containing my story Silence will be out in October, along with a couple of other books. I'll post about them when I have more news.

Until then, here's a picture of one of the books.




That is all. Disperse.

Go buy a book or two.

Rain, rain, wine

I finally got what I wanted, days of rain and cooler temps. It rain Thursday night and kept raining on and off all day Friday, making me a very happy camper. But when it rained on Saturday and again last night, it was just what I needed to finally get some quality rest. It even got cool enough that I turned off the fan in the bedroom. As NoCompromises says, it was a symphony of rain and I a delighted listener experiencing the full performance, although there were elements of Wagner's entire Ring cycle to the repeat performances.

This morning in my usual email, I read about grapes, particularly purple and red grapes, and their health-giving, youth-supporting, longevity-producing capabilities. It's all about resveratrol and it is part of what is called the French paradox, the reason why the French, who eat such a high fat diet, remain healthy and have a low incidence of heart disease and stroke. It's the wine, specifically red wine, that keeps their arteries unclogged and free of blood clots. And I thought it was just because they were pickled in alcohol. Resveratrol is present in purple and red grapes in small amounts but producing wine concentrates it. You can get the same benefits by drinking grape juice, although there is a smaller concentration of the vital antioxidant and more sugar than necessary, so choose an organic juice, which will contain a fewer pesticides. Pesticides used in growing grapes commercially build up in the body's fatty tissues and cause a whole host of other problems.

I am not a big drinker, never have been, but I do have a case of wine still in the case that I have yet to open, which is probably why my fancy and easy to use cork screw is rather dusty right now (the case is dusty, not the cork screw). It was a gift when I joined the wine club where the case of wine came from and continues to come from four times a year. Anyway, I think I'll give the one glass of red wine at dinner every night a try and see what happens. Besides, all those wine glasses that I got as gifts for the house warming should be used once in a while, and it would be relaxing to sit down of an evening with a good meal, a glass of red wine and the sound of rain. When there's no rain, I'll listen to the crickets sing; that's just as relaxing.

That is all. Disperse.

Sharing Henry Miller

I knew what I was doing, or so I thought. I wanted a no-strings relationship, all the benefits with none of the hassles of legitimacy. That’s not what I got. What I got was two years of bliss and secrets and torture, and it all started out as fun.

The first time we talked on the phone, my bones melted, my pulse raced, and I was wet. His voice was a deep bass rumble, his words precise and intimate and all we talked about was Henry Miller and writing. He told me about his poetry.

He’d been going downtown to the Humidor for months, drinking shot after shot of Irish courage and still unable to brave the stage. There were so many young people there and he didn’t fit in. His laugh was rich and deep like decadent dark chocolate and suddenly I didn’t care if he was in his fifties and bald and conservative. Everything he said made me want him that much more. It didn’t matter that he was married; I didn’t care. His wife could have the privileges of marriage; I wanted him.

We’d met online and talked on the phone a few times, but I broke the rules for him, my rules. We agreed to meet downtown at the Humidor on Sunday and he agreed to read some of his poetry. Sunday couldn’t come fast enough.

We sat in the back of the room and smoldered, me smiling shyly, vibrating with desire and excitement, he with a half grin on his thin, pale lips, confident and potent and oh, so Republican in his tweed jacket, Bruno Maglis, white fringe of hair, and wire-rimmed glasses, his bald head shining in the subdued light. He wasn’t my type. I wouldn’t have crossed a crowded room to meet him because I wouldn’t have noticed him, unless I’d heard his voice. For that, I would cross midtown traffic at rush hour in a blinding rain.

Lost in each other’s eyes, tentatively touching, my warm fingers resting in his cold hands, heat radiating from us like a blast furnace, we came back to earth when someone called his name. Reluctantly, he let go my hand, took some folded papers from his inside jacket pocket, and walked to the stage. All eyes focused on him as he licked his lips, swallowed convulsively, and spoke to the murmuring crowd of hip hop teenagers and twenty-something urban guerrillas. Then it was just his voice throbbing in the sudden silence.

His poems were a mating dance of sex and words—cock, cunt, soaring, flying, passion drunk power—a declaration of freedom and belief in personal greatness that transcended the day-to-day responsibilities of job, home, and family. He read from the page, apologizing for not committing his poetry to memory, but no one cared. He finished and stepped down from the stage to silence that awoke with a roar of applause that thundered and shook the tiny subterranean bar. They mobbed him. Women touched him, young men hailed him, inviting him to poetry slams and tapings, adoring, worshiping, still applauding as he came back to me, sat down, and took my hand. I was proud and aroused and I wanted to take him right there.

Another poet walked to the stage and the mob slowly moved away, looking back at him to catch his eye and smile, nodding in approval. We stayed until closing sitting close, thighs touching, his velvet voice in my ear playing my nerves and senses until I was near orgasm. “I did it for you. You made it possible.”

Outside in the snow as the rain fell, encasing the world in ice, we stood beside my car, touching, moving closer, breath mingling, rain steaming as it hit us, unaware of anything but each other. His cold long fingered hands slid around my waist, burning me, branding me. I yearned toward him, silently begging him to kiss me, unsure if or when I’d finally give in, knowing I wanted this unremarkable man the way I wanted no one before.

“Are you free tomorrow?” His words fed the fires burning inside me. Yes, I was free. “I’ll bring Henry Miller.”

So drunk with passion and desire and need, it barely registered when I hit black ice and nearly crashed into the rear of a Chevy truck on the freeway, spinning and coming to rest against the guardrail facing oncoming traffic. It took only a moment to get the car started and back onto the empty freeway headed for home. The trip back passed in a hormonal blur. Nothing existed but his words in my ears and the insistent cold press of his fingers against the fiery heat of my skin. Tomorrow couldn’t come soon enough, but it finally came.

For two years of stolen moments and idyllic weekend business trips, we devoured each other, unable to get enough, always wanting more, until reality intruded. Holidays became long empty hours of mindless tasks to fill the void and the weekend trips didn’t come fast enough or last long enough. He introduced me to his cousin, his only living relative, and she hid us for a few weekends just across the border in Pennsylvania. It wasn’t enough. It was never enough.

It would have been enough if he’d never uttered those promises. “I’ll tell her I want a divorce tonight, tomorrow, this weekend, after this last family vacation.” He was always apologetic but he didn’t tell her. I didn’t want his promises; I wanted him, his time, his kisses, his body, his passion, his hands, his words. I didn’t need a ring on my finger or promises of “until death do us part”. I needed him. I only wanted him. I didn’t want legitimacy; I wanted passion. He needed, he wanted, more. I was content. He wasn’t. So I ended it and walked—no, ran—away.

Whenever I read Henry Miller or hear Miller’s voice on the tape he made of the record I gave him for his birthday, it all comes back: reading Henry Miller together, the kisses, the desire, sitting on the bed naked and sated eating pizza and drinking warm vodka, the aching need not satisfied with six or eight hours of sweat- and orgasm-soaked sheets, the poetry, sharing words—mine and his. I’m not sorry for loving him or needing him or desiring him. I feel no regret for sharing him with his wife or for telling him to keep sleeping with her when he had me to share his bed. I am ashamed of nothing and I won’t apologize for leaving even though he believes I abandoned him.

Great love requires great sacrifice, so does great passion.

Newsletter talk

A few hours ago one the of the hams who advertises his business in the newsletter called me to change his ad. It is a small change and one he makes every year at this time. I took the information and told him I'd pass it on since I was no longer the newsletter editor. "Well, that's not good. You're the best editor we've ever had," he said. "You are one smart and talented lady." I thanked him. Then he asked where he should send the money for the change in the ad and I told him there was no charge. It's a small change, a few words, no need to charge for that since the newsletter isn't a paying concern. He thanked me and told me he was going to miss working with me. That from a man who didn't like me very much at first because I left out his ad a few issues.

At that time, he called me and raked me over the coals, explaining his ad had run in the newsletter for over 30 years and I'd better put it back in. I explained that I didn't know anything about his arrangements and no one told me about him or his ad. He apologized and has been a sweetheart ever since.

This is the week for compliments and news about the newsletter. The printer told me the last time I saw him he was going to miss working with a professional like me who knew how to put together a newsletter. He and his wife said they'd miss my smile and funny stories and made me promise to call from time to time and visit once in a while. His wife, Barb, told me she read one of my stories in Cup of Comfort and that she couldn't help crying. She told all her friends she knew the author and that they had to pick up the book.

Then I got an email from a good friend who I had asked for input about the newsletter since I wasn't sure if he knew I had resigned. He said he started reading the newsletter when I took over and that it was "...more fun to read, more thought provoking, and I've wanted to read it over
again at times." He added, " You've had an impossible job keeping it going and have done admirably." I didn't think he was paying attention. I was wrong.

I changed the ad for Jess, made up a new one, and sent it to the president of the club to use for the newsletter. Over the past month I have sent him enough material to put together a fairly good newsletter, but it doesn't look like there will be an issue this month. He said he'd use the ad for the combined August/September issue. I was afraid of this, that the newsletter would fold when I resigned, and it still may.

Had I not volunteered to edit the newsletter three years ago, it probably would have died sooner, and it is sad to see it happen. I don't want to see the newsletter die, but I also don't want to be the one to keep it going alone, even though I have thought of putting together a quick newsletter and sending it to the president of the club to add the minutes and his column, which he always sent right at the last minute before the deadline. I am torn between needing to focus on my own writing and work and wanting to help them out, but I'm gagging my better nature and locking it in a soundproof room so that it can't get out.

The compliments are nice and coming from people whose opinions I respect, but the compliment I wanted and needed was for the members to be so excited they wanted to contribute and I'd have so many submissions I'd have to keep a backlog. It never happened.

Although plaques and certificates and the occasional congratulatory dinner are nice, they are not the reason I volunteered to edit the newsletter. I wanted to be a part of the community and a part of the club. It was my way to contribute. Sadly, I was the only one who really cared. It is beginning to look like I may still be the only one who cares and that makes me sad.

That is all. Disperse.

Sex, death and drama

There's a situation going on at my best friend's job. Evidently, a married woman, Bridget, and one of her co-workers, Jerry, have been having a very blatant affair. Several people over the past five or six months emailed Bridget's husband, Phil, who also works there, and told Phil what has been going on in plain sight. He tried to find out who was sending the emails but can't get a line on them because the emails are being sent from outside and the IT guys can't pin down anything specific. The addresses are all different -- as are the names.

On Monday, Phil confronted Jerry, took him in a conference room and slammed the door. Bridget has been crying off and on over the past two days and claims there has been nothing going on and neither she nor Jerry have changed their behavior. They still go out to lunch every day (for 90+ minutes) in an effort to prove there's nothing going on. Bridget and Jerry are caught in a trap of their own making and now Jerry, who has a history of affairs with other women in the office, wants out. He can't get out because Bridget is determined to hang onto him and her husband. Phil, meanwhile, has taken a week off from work because he can't face everyone.

My best friend is caught in the middle because she is afraid of history repeating itself. Many years ago, one of the supervisors killed his girlfriend and then himself because he caught her having an affair. What made it all so much worse is that he killed and himself at the office. It's all my best friend can do to keep the images of that horrible day out of her mind with all this going on.

Phil and Bridget want to know who is emailing and how the people know what's going on. Well, that's not hard to understand since Bridget and Jerry have been carrying on for months and everyone has been talking about it. Bridget thinks she can figure out who is behind telling Phil by planting different tidbits of information with some of the people she suspects in hopes that one of them will take the information and run to Phil with it. That won't work. She's just not smart enough; she hasn't figured out that everyone knows what is going on and have spread the word that she's up to something in order to throw the blame on someone else, or at least trap someone into taking the fall in her place. She's deluding herself. She's flaunted her actions for too long and too many people want to see her take it in the end. The damage has already been done and she has been rear-ended by her own actions.

Unknown to Bridget, Jerry had a relationship with another woman in the office, Pam, but they have not been together in years. My best friend knows Pam and Pam confided in her that she propositioned Jerry. She wants to pick up where they left off. She's in a bad marriage and so Pam suggested they get together again. Surprisingly, Jerry turned her down flat, but her offer reminded him that he deserves to be happy and the only time he was happy was when he was with Janine. However, he treated Janine badly and it isn't likely she will take him back.

Jerry has been in contact with Janine but he doesn't know how to approach the subject of getting back together. My best friend knows Janine, too, and she said Janine is determined to prove to herself that Jerry is being honest with her. She's going to keep him at arm's length until she is satisfied he is serious and doesn't want just to scratch an itch.

One thing is certain, Peyton Place has nothing on my best friend's office. Violence, murder, suicide, sex and betrayal are commonplace there and she often regales me with the tales. It's a wonder they ever get any work done with the constant soap opera. One thing I don't miss by working at home, is all the drama. Besides, I get the benefit of the drama without having to get too close to it.

Worth waking up

I was asleep, deeply asleep, having a wonderful dream and a loud jangling noise yanked me by the hair into semi-consciousness. I stumbled from bed and made it to the phone just as it stopped ringing, so I booted up the laptop and checked my email, thinking it was Beanie calling me and knowing if she did there'd be an email waiting. No email. After a little time, I checked my voice mail and it was one of my best friends telling me wonderful news of home and family. I was still a bit groggy, but awake enough for my heart to swell with happiness at the news. Her lost baby had been found and was safely home. She also made me laugh when she told me her seventy-something mom had been on her knees in the bushes the day before to help catch the baby (yes, it's a cat).

Her husband had been devastated because he felt responsible for the baby getting out and he was so happy when he pulled the baby out of the trap they set the night before. This is definitely news worth losing sleep over and I am so glad I got the call.

It's moments like this, even bleary-eyed and punchy from lack of sleep as I am, that make all the trouble and niggling irritations disappear as if they never existed. There have been a few moments like this recently, like receiving an apology and getting a picture of a good friend after hiking to the top of Pikes Peak.

I have said so little about my friends of late, focusing more on writing what I hope helps more than just me from the vast emotional archives of what my friends send me or call to tell me. I realize, as I found again this morning in my emails, that people I don't really know are going through the same things and think I'm inside their heads. The things we all believe are unique to us aren't really all that unique, like a pebble dropped in a lake sends out ripples that touch the shore at different points and different times. We tend to forget that we are all connected and our lives are mirrored in the lives of others we may never meet, and it helps to be reminded that we are not alone, that someone else (probably many someones) are going through the same things. There will still be those who believe their situation is unique and no one can know what they're going through, but I think that's because they need to keep the spotlight on themselves and hate the idea of sharing the attention.

So much has happened over the past few years, things I haven't had the time to share here, like a good friend's battle with breast cancer and then turning around and building her own business. Sometimes the emotions are too raw to put them on the page, so I don't.

It's an Aquarian trait immortalized in a line from Star Trek: "The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few -- or the one." Doesn't mean I don't take care of the ones or that I'm not there for them, just that I need the distance and balm of time to help me find a way to put it out there so that what I've learned and experienced could help the many. The one I keep for my private paper journals, just as I always have, writing in the moments before sleep and letting go of the sometimes overwhelming emotions so I can sleep, even if it means being awakened before I have to get up because a friend wants to share their news, good or bad. One thing my friends know is that they can call me any time if they need me and, now that I don't turn the ringer off to spare my housemates, I'll get out of bed and leave my dreams for them.

Poltergeist activity

Beanie is upset because some people at work won't leave her alone. No matter where she is, they're either nearby or talking loud enough for her to hear. They are making their presence known and felt. She can't understand why they're so bent on bugging her because she doesn't understand human nature -- at least in this regard. It's simple. When you're important to someone they need to make sure you don't lose sight -- or sound -- of them.

The relationship may be dysfunctional or just plain bad, but the idea of you not being in their lives, even on the periphery, is something they just cannot accept. It's what makes stalkers tick. They need to make sure you don't forget them. It's not always healthy. It often leads to ugly scenes and escalating actions to keep your attention focused on them. They're like wounds that never heal, scabs they keep picking to keep the blood flowing.

I've heard it said that if you let something go and it comes back, it was meant to be. I think if you let something go and it keeps coming back, the past is not going to die. It's like a ghost -- or more likely a poltergeist -- that you've acknowledged and released that has decided it is not better in the light. It's better where it can bother you and remind you of its existence, and that's because it cares and doesn't want your relationship to die.

People move into and out of our lives all the time. Some people stick around and, all too often, the ones we want to stick around don't always stay. It's hard to let someone go when they've been an integral part of your life. Even if it ended badly, if you never really got closure and things were never settled, it's like a poltergeist knocking pictures off walls and moving furniture and possessions around to remind you you're not alone. It's hard to end something if there really hasn't been an ending, if things were never really settled. Questions linger and there's a hole in the middle of your life that can't be filled by new friends or work or parties or clubs or all the self help books in the world. You can ignore it and hope it will finally heal but chances are it won't heal.

A lot of people, my mother included, try to fill the whole with things, the old shop till you drop therapy. That never works. Some people try to fill the whole with anger and unfulfilling memberships in clubs and organizations. It only makes the hole that much more noticeable. There are people who use sex, drugs and rock and roll to fill the hole. It doesn't help. And some try to fill the void with work. The work suffers and the hole gapes wider. Not even the pink suede elephant in the middle of the room no one acknowledges will fill the hole. And prayer won't help either. The only thing that works is finding or writing an ending.

In a way, it's like a literary story that stop in mid thought as though the world ended or the author died before he could finish, and it is probably why Hollywood movies are so successful. There's always an end.

Situations like these can also be compared to wars. There are the all out bloody and destructive wars with casualties on both sides where the combatants just drift back to their own countries and lives before a winner is declared or a peace treaty signed. Who knows when hostilities will flare up again -- or how often? Then there are the cold wars, covert wars that rely on spies and propaganda that go on and on and on until someone decides to bring down the wall or agree to a Détente. Neither situation is ideal because there's always a feeling of animosity and distrust between the central parties. In this kind of war, most of the damage is collateral. There has to be a peace treaty or a demilitarized zone set up where both parties know the boundaries and are willing to respect them, otherwise the combatants feel unsettled and living in limbo without any idea of what happened and if or when the war is finally over.

As long as the ghosts of relationships past keep intruding, one thing is certain: you are still important to them. I'm not sure if that is a comfort or a curse. At least it's power. Be careful how you use it.

Sweat and lubricants

Chili Bob called yesterday morning (he hates emails, says the phone is faster) and somehow we got onto the subject of lubricants. It's a subject that pops up on occasion and after all these years it still pops up. There are no taboos with Chili Bob and I'm glad we can talk about everything -- and have -- even when the subject is lubricants. Even Beanie mentioned lubricants the other day when we talked. Lo and behold, Beanie and Chili Bob were talking about the same one. Funny how different people from different sides of my life sometimes end up on the same page. If I believed in coincidence, this would be one coincidence too many.

Is there something about summer heat and longer days that stirs everyone's libido to a furious boil so that all they can think about is lubricants -- and sex? Or is something else going on here? Animals don't behave this way when the females are in season. They wait for cooler and shorter days to begin their taking their shot in the biological lottery. People don't have that excuse since we are pretty much in season all the time, so what is happening out there? Don't people realize that summer love is sweaty and sticky and should be reserved for cooler days when you're saving on the heating bill? That's the time to be in heat.

But then I remember summer romances when I was younger and my sweat glands not so well developed, days when I spent hours grilling in the sun dressed in oil and not much else, days dancing to whatever was on the jukebox during rest periods at the local swimming pool and the rest of the time in the water shrieking with laughter while pretending to be surprised when boys surfaced near us in the pool ready to drag us to the depths and steal a kiss or offer to walk us home and carry the towels. Maybe it's not so surprising after all that heat generates even more heat -- of the biological variety -- and lubricants are on people's minds.

Chili Bob also told me an old friend of his popped in to say hello and ask if he was interested in another go-round. I've warned him about that particular merry-go-round before, but he never listens. There are some relationships that should just fade into the background of imperfect memory; that is one of them. I have a few of those myself and one that keeps popping up when I least expect him, which is probably when I should expect him. He does have a pattern and it's never a good one. As far as I am concerned, that one should fall into the Alzheimer's abyss, along with some of the Xmas gifts my mother and mother-in-law gave me that weren't worth regifting and not even Goodwill would take.

There are other friends who pop up from time to time and should stick around longer, but they are always off on a new adventure or completely engrossed in some new ecological refit and don't have the time for more than the odd and very short conversation. Those are the ones I miss, but then I wander off from time to time, following the muse or on a bug hut of epic proportions and far reaching consequences, so I shouldn't complain. Must be the heat and the itching and the feeling that I'm melting into a steaming puddle of sweat that makes me so testy.

Oh, now I get it. That's why Chili Bob and Beanie mentioned lubricants. It was a hint to relax and smooth out the rough edges with a little something slick and slippery. I should have known. Time to get out the oil and a towel and find a pool. It's summer time.

That is all. Disperse.

Vampire activism

If you liked the show Moonlight and would like to see some other more intelligent and people savvy network pick up the show and keep it running so we can find out what happened with Mick and Beth and Coraline, go to Save Moonlight and sign their petition. Pass it on.

That is all. Disperse. Vote.

Time to end

It just never ends and it is partly my fault. I shouldn't pay attention when people let me know she's trashing me again. I thought she would have found someone else to trash by now, but since she's trying to keep people from finding out how shallow she is and how she lies and manipulates to keep them buying her books and reading her posts I guess I'm all she has, especially since her BFF disappeared after her husband's divorce and no one on LJ knows her. The drama is boring because she never says anything new and most of what she says is completely off base. It wouldn't do to let her know what she says gets to me from her best friends and closest relatives who think she is obsessed and has gone completely over the edge. But it's my fault for reading the messages. I should just ignore them since they won't listen when I say I'm not interested.

I stopped reading her blog over three years ago but she emailed to tell me that she continues to read my blog because she says my posts are "the most erudite and interesting" she has ever read. Personally, I think she said that to hide the fact that she's stalking me online, reading all my reviews, articles, stories and posts so she can keep track of my publishing progress and prove she's better than I am, a real writer as opposed to a writer whose stories are included in ten anthologies at last count. After all, I'm not the only name in or on the book, therefore, I am not a real writer.

The news of a literary agency approaching me to represent a series of articles and putting the book based on the articles up for auction is what probably sent her over the edge. I didn't put the news out there because of her. I put it out there to share the news with friends and to let other writers know that success happens when you least expect it. So why does she insist on using the same tired old line about me being deserted by friends, lovers and family when she knows nothing of me or my life? Is it because she has nothing else to use and she can't fault my writing? She has nothing left but empty and repetitious and very old personal attacks. Like I said, she knows nothing about me or my life or who my friends are. I don't mention them by name in my posts. I have other things to write about, most of them dealing with relationships and writing. I have neither the time nor the need to prove I have friends by writing about them and putting their names and personal information out there. If I wrote everything about my friends, I wouldn't have any time left to spend time with them. I have a full time job and a writing career and a life.

I need to go back to my old policy of not reading any emails sharing the contents of her posts because all it does is feed into her obsession. At least then I won't know when she reads one of my posts and decides it's all about her because everything is about her and I can't possibly have a life without her in it. Not everything is about her and she's not so special or important to my life that I can't find anything else to write about. If she sees herself in my posts, it is because she's looking for a reason to create drama. As far as I'm concerned, we are done. I wish her well. I hope her book is a success. I hope her life is happy because then she will have less time and fewer reasons to create more drama. Then maybe her friends and family won't feel the need to warn me she is still obsessing about me. It's time for it to end.

I've been done for a long time. I've kept her secrets so she need not fear me spilling the truth about her and ruining her life. It's time for her to get over it and move on. If she's so happy, she shouldn't need to focus on me. It would be best if she just didn't read anything I wrote. I don't read what she writes. I have far too much going on in my life. I even had to drop editing and writing a newsletter because I needed more time for my life and my work. That was important. Her obsession with me is not.

So, in the interest of making things very clear. She should go her way and let me go mine. I wish her well and hope she has much writing success and whatever she wishes she should keep to herself. It's time for this to end.

Belated birthday bash

Last night, the cottage was full of light and laughter, conversation and food. Nel, who used to live across the hall from me, and her sister DJ, Michael, Kim and some of Nel's friends came over for a belated birthday party, belated only because Nel's birthday was Thursday. Last night was more convenient for everyone. Dinner and a simple dessert of a layered cake with lemon curd between the layers and a simple lemon icing lasted about as long as snow on a hot August night and there was wine, beer and shots to drink, as well as lemonade, iced tea and water, most of which is still here.

This party was planned three months ago when I moved but last night was the first time everyone saw the cottage without all the boxes lying around. I could have used another bathroom, but we still had a great time, although a couple people mentioned me getting a stereo to play the music instead of my computer. After the food was gone and the presents opened, most of the crowd left and Kim, DJ, Nel, Michael and I kicked back and caught up while we sipped wine and Nel and Michael did shots of whiskey. Good thing they didn't have far to go to get home.

I got up early this morning to put all the glasses and dishes in the dishwasher and clean the worst of the debris, but there remains a feeling of revelry in the air. We made plans for DJ and Michael's birthdays in October and November and a Yule party in December and everyone's coming back here. It's a far cry from our usual quiet parties when Nel and I lived across the hall from each other, but there's much more room here and plenty of parking space to accommodate the crowds. And I got to meet some new people, people who were only names and to whom I can now attach faces and voices.

It's cool and quiet outside right now with a faint cool breeze that will dwindle as the sun rises higher in the sky to scorch everything and suck the green out of the grass. A cold shower is just what I need to perk myself up before diving back into work and laundry today, but I don't mind. I'm glad of a little calm after the storm of conversation last night.

That is all. Disperse.

Family vacation

Carol, Beanie and Mom are going to New Orleans in October for a week and asked me to join them. I can't afford a vacation right now and I can't take any more vacation time until November, so that lets me out. Beanie and Carol came up with the idea of the four of us planning another vacation next year and making it an annual thing, going somewhere new every time.

Mom has a thing for trains and I get monthly newsletters about train trips through Canada and Alaska. I suggested going on one of those. I also suggested a cruise to Alaska but Beanie doesn't like the cold. I reminded her that you can only take a cruise to Alaska in the summer months and that it is warmer then. I sweetened the pot with whale watching and the chance of seeing polar bears, seals, sea otters and walruses. That made a difference. Beanie said if she likes New Orleans she wants to go again when I can go with them and show them the best spots. I gave her a list, but there are quite a few things she won't be able to do with Mom along.

I'm surprised they didn't include Jimmy now that he won't be towing Bobbie along with him. She doesn't get along with anyone in the family and has complained that Beanie flirts with Jimmy. She doesn't have any close relationships with her siblings so she doesn't understand or get close family relationships. Beanie and Jimmy are close. Since Carol and I got married and moved out it was just them, like they were the only kids in the family. They have fun together and they like each other. That's not flirting; that's family. Good thing she isn't my spouse or she'd complain that Beanie and I flirt with each other. We're just really close and always have been.

My grandson Jordan turned nine two weeks ago and AJ and his wife are moving back to Idaho. Actually, AJ's wife and he kids are already in Idaho and he's still in South Carolina, probably something to do with his postoperative care since his back surgery. David Scott is buying his first house and called to ask me some questions. He's so emotional you'd almost think he's a woman sometimes. I got him calmed down and hopefully thinking clearer. That's what family is for.

Jordan isn't the only one with a birthday in July. Jimmy turned 48 a week ago, although he claims that he stopped at 45, so he's 45 plus tax. I don't think he's comfortable heading closer to 50, but it's inevitable. But nearly 50 and starting over again after a divorce is always a little bit scary. It happened so fast I'm not sure he's taken it all in. He's another emotional male, but mostly with blushing. Beanie sent Jimmy a cookie bouquet at work the day before his birthday. I can just see him going down to the reception desk to pick it up. When he took the bouquet I know he blushed as red as a beet from his chest to the roots of his hair. He's blond going quickly gray so it should have been a very fiery show. I wish someone had taken a picture. That's one I'd hang in the hall with the other pictures of my family: Beanie sleeping on my couch when she, Mom and Carol visited two years ago, Mom standing in front of a Lucky Dog cart in New Orleans, and Dad in his uniform when he was young. I also printed out pictures of my Sri Lankan family: Upali and his wife, two sons and daughter. Maybe that's where we could all go next year: Sri Lanka. I'll have to suggest it to my sisters and Mom.

In the meantime, I have work to do, books to read and writing on the new book to do. Good thing life doesn't stop or I'd have nothing worthwhile to do.

That is all. Disperse.

Obsess no more

It seems every other week one of my friends are complaining about leaks -- the information kind. That's why I keep a public journal. Not everyone can do that because of their jobs or because they just prefer to keep their lives and actions off the gossip fence. One thing I have learned is that the only way to keep a secret -- or your life private -- is to tell no one. The chances of leaks increases with the amount of people who know, especially people who like gossip or a good cat fight. The worst offenders are usually the ones we trust the most -- and family. I learned that the hard way and it's why I make everything public. When I want to keep a secret, I put it in my paper journal or in my password locked private journal on my laptop.

Think someone is leaking information because private details keep popping up in conversation or on someone else's journal or just over the gossip fence with a strong wind blowing in your direction? It's time to look close to home, the closer the better. The thing about families is that not everyone will agree with everything you say or see things the way you do. They might not be secure enough to tell you to your face but the information will leak out somewhere to someone. I've seen plenty of private details leaked at parties or during a conversation with a virtual stranger or casual acquaintance because everyone needs to talk to someone who will listen to them, someone who won't judge and who isn't obsessed with people, places and/or things.

When people don't feel secure in a relationship, no matter what they say out loud, they look for a safe environment and a friendly ear. My best and oldest friend and I were having dinner with her husband of five years and she had to leave because her daughter called and needed her help. Her husband and I stayed to finish dinner and we promised to bring her dinner home for her to finish. Her husband and I have known each other since high school and we've always been friendly, but I was surprised when he told me about an obsession she hadn't mentioned to me. I thought she got over this particular obsession a long time ago, which is probably why she didn't tell me about it.

For years, she and another woman have been at odds. The woman moved on and didn't give my friend a second thought but she just couldn't let go. Any time she could manage it, she made veiled comments at parties and gatherings the woman either attended or would be sure to hear what had been said. Her sons usually told me what happened when I saw or talked to them, but to hear it from her husband was something new. He loves her but he doesn't agree with her obsession and, after hearing the story of what happened from someone other than his wife, who is carrying a huge grudge over something that is mostly in her head, I knew things weren't going well despite how happy they were otherwise.

I remember the incident very clearly and over the years I have done my best to convince my friend that she needed to see things from a more neutral perspective, but she wouldn't -- or couldn't. She had convinced herself she was the injured party. She had told the story so many times, adding details and twisting the facts around until it made her feel better, but it wasn't the truth. I knew I had to say something and I didn't have long to wait. It is her favorite topic, one she keeps in well oiled order.

Without telling on her friends and family, I reminded her that I knew the truth and we discussed it. She got angry. She didn't want to hear the truth. She had too much invested in her conflated version of events. But we've been friends for a very long time and we've had disagreements before and we're still friends because she knows, as I do, that no argument is worth the loss of a good friend. When I got home I sent her a photocopy of my journal from that time to remind her of what really happened. At first she was angry, but eventually she softened and agreed that she had taken things too far.

I understand her anger because the woman made her see something she didn't want to see. She had put so much energy and time into denying the truth that she wasn't willing to let it go so easily. This situation is not unique and it's not rare. Several friends and some of my very extended and far flung family have been through similar situations and I've seen it so many times in blogs. Some people love a good cat fight and others need to get some distance from the obsessed person because they suspect there is another version of events that is closer to the truth. At the core, obsessions turn the truth on its head and inside-out to make the obsessed feel good about themselves because in their heart they fear someone will find out the truth they don't want to face. Like I said, the only secret you get to keep is the one you tell no one.

Obsessions are dangerous and divisive and have a way of sending loved ones for shelter and a friendly listener.

Out of the closet

There's nothing I like better than finding gems among the books I review. Another such is Family Outing. It's a memoir of a writer who, at the age of 10, found out his mother was a lesbian. She was outed by a jilted lover, code named Tattle Dyke.

The book is wonderfully honest and wickedly funny. What stuck with me was what the author said about why he couldn't get past his anger with his mother. It would have been harder for him to deal with his father coming out of the closet because it would have made him question his own sexuality, as his mother's sexuality affected his sister. What it all comes down to is sex.

I understand and sympathize with the gay community when they complain the whole world is geared towards heterosexuals and they shouldn't have to hide their own sexuality for anyone's comfort, and I agree -- to a point. Although the majority of the world seems to be heterosexual, it isn't quite so much about sex. Sex and the City is about sex and and many shows and movies focus on and feature sex but the heterosexual world at large isn't all about sex, and there lies the difference.

While a hot guy or a beautiful girl might stir sexual thoughts in the opposite sex the sex is not right out on the table. With homosexuals, all heterosexuals see is the sex. It becomes less about a person and more about visions of sex and thoughts of homosexual sex. In heterosexuals' minds sex is an option and when they are faced with homosexuals sex becomes the only subject. It's a mind picture you can't get rid of (no matter how much bleach or cleanse you use) -- like your parents having hot and kinky sex or any kind of sex after the children are born. Parents are supposed to be asexual -- and so are children (at least in parents' minds). We know our children are having sex (we certainly did) but thinking too much about it guarantees sleepless nights and phone calls to the psychiatrist for emergency sessions.

Whether or not you have a friend or loved one who is homosexual, Family Outing is a book everyone should read to understand both sides of the subject. It's the most honest book I've read on the subject in ages.

That is all. Disperse.

Books and thoughts on books

I got another box of books to review from AuthorLink and I tore right into them, having just finished a box of nine books in three weeks. I need something to read and I just finished Reflections in a Golden Eye by Carson McCullers. I've seen the movie with Elizabeth Taylor, Brian Keith, Julie Harris and Marlon Brando but I wanted to read the book. I always want to read the book. The movie definitely missed some of the subtleties of McCullers' writing and tone and I am glad I read it. It's more of a novella than a novel but it was good all the same.

I have read Ballad of the Sad Cafe, which was adapted for the stage by Edward Albee and was mentioned in Picnic by William Inge and starred Kim Novak and William Holden (Susan Strasberg was reading the book and Rosalind Russell ratted her out to her mother for reading a dirty book). There are other stories and novellas (she didn't write any novels) by McCullers and I think I'm going to have to read them all -- maybe a few times.

Digging into the box, I found several books that look interesting, but I just had to read some of Friends on a Rotten Day: The Astrology of Friendships. Hazel Dixon-Cooper is Cosmo's bedside astrologer and is amazing in her insight. From what I've already read, the book is a must-have for writers to help understand and build characters for their stories and novels. My favorite feature of each astrological sign is the Bitch Factor. I just had to read a few and they accurately described several people I have known over the years and explained why they are they way they are. I haven't read the whole book, but so far it's funny and insightful.

For example: Tactless Terry . . . barrels through life pretending that her rude and insensitive observations are only her "honest" opinions. In her, that thoughtless but innocent trait turns malicious. Terry Knows that blurting out a painful or embarrassing fact at the worst moment will hurt you. She does it on purpose. Terry takes Gemini's love of dishing rumors about people and expands it into a full frontal assault of brutalizing truth, in the presence of her victim. Her comments are dispensed in two ways. She's only joking (it's all in good fun and no one will care so you shouldn't either), or she's reluctant (this is for your own good). In the latter, she tries to get you to confess something, because it not only humiliates you, it might inspire someone else within hearing distance to confess a dark secret, too. This is her most dangerous ploy, as it only serves to give her ammunition to use against your other friends.

And then there's: Broken Record Barb [is] caught in the myth that her life is the only one that's interesting. You can't shut her up. Save yourself and don't answer the phone [or the door]. She really won't notice because, being the egotistical bimb[a] that she is, yours was just the next number on her speed-dial list.


And last (for now) but not least, here's the Tyrant. If micromanaging were an Olympic sport, the Tyrant would win the gold medal hands down. The most possessive Taurus or controlling Scorpio looks a rank amateur up against this one. At work, she's the one who's always standing over everyone's shoulder, making sure that anything she's delegated is done precisely, exactly as she directs. Don't do it and there will be hell to pay. At home, she controls everything from the family diet to who the family can choose as friends to what everyone watches on TV.

Ms. T. usually surrounds herself with a collection of weak-kneed losers who all depend upon her to dictate their miserable lives, which she is only too happy to do. She loves her role and makes sure that everyone knows how everything would fall apart if it weren't for her pulling the strings. She's easy to spot because every conversation the woman has begins with either, "You will do as I say," or "Don't make me have to tell you twice." Don't make me have to tell you twice to avoid this controlling bimb[a] like the plague she is.

It goes for Barbs, Terrys and Tyrants who keep journals and blogs, too.

I read several of the signs and I really like the easy conversational tone. Dixon-Cooper uses her friends to illustrate all the signs, making the book fun and more real. There is no meanness or bitch factor in her anecdotes and she avoids the narcissistic "it's all about me" and "feel sorry for me" moments that characterize some astrological reference books. The way the book is arranged covers the important points and makes everything easy to find. There is no repetition and I never felt as though she ran out of material. Dixon-Cooper also has sections with Venus and the moon in the signs, as well as a section on the guys. The first thing I thought of was checking out people I know and have known and the second thought was that it was a great way to build and understand fictional characters, a place to start to put flesh on their bones and real emotions in their actions and reactions.

As I was reading the usual suspects on my LJ F-list, I came across one entry that made me proud of the writer and also brought up thoughts of people like the one mentioned. These people refuse to let a relationship die a natural death, lurking in the shadows and never commenting or commenting in offhand ways to other people or on their own or other blogs so that the information gets back to the person they've described. Sometimes the mention is just subtle enough, with just enough facts, that only those in the know understand what is being said so they can promptly run off and tell the subject of the subtle mention and cause trouble. Aah, the drama kings and queens. These situations are not to be confused with other bloggers who talk about general situations or situations that are common to many people but that some frenemy has decided is all about them. It's not the same thing at all.

The first type of person is malicious and cowardly and the second person has a guilty conscience and sees themselves "feelingly portrayed" everywhere they look, especially by people they spend a good part of their time taunting and maligning in not so subtle ways. Yes, kiddies, it is a jungle out there and the animals are always on the loose, so stay alert to the dangers.

That is all. Disperse.

No choice

As if the government isn't already in our business enough, now Los Angeles is banning fast food restaurants in low income areas because people are getting too fat. "'What's next — security guards at the door saying 'You're overweight, you can't have a cheeseburger'?" Casana said'"

The problem isn't fast food. Most fast food restaurants offer healthy choices, but that only works if you actually choose them. And it really isn't fast food, per se. Eat too much, exercise too little and you get fatter. Of course, certain foods help aid in weight loss and work better with your system, but they are also costly.

The French have a diet heavy in cholesterol, carbohydrates and fat and yet overall they are fairly slim -- and they have plenty of fast food restaurants -- but the French keep moving. They walk more.

Exercise is part of the solution, but the real solution is education. Instead of banning fast food restaurants, how about teaching food economics and backing it up by teaching people how to cook healthy, low cost meals? How about making organic produce and meat less expensive? How about, instead of factories for farms, we go back to growing food organically and raising food animals organically? How about, instead of feeding chickens, cows, pigs, sheep, etc. on corn and slaughterhouse remains (refeeding/mechanized and subsidized cannibalism) we let them roam freely and let them graze on grass and eat hay and bugs and all the natural things they used to eat before farms became factories?

Or better yet, how about legislators minding their own business and sticks to governing the things they were elected to govern, like gas prices, taxes, poverty and jobs -- to name a few?

Let's face it. We now live longer lives and have a higher quality of living and yet we are poorer than we ever have been before. I have nothing against restaurants and like to eat out on occasion -- let someone else do the cooking -- but I know how to prepare healthy, low cost meals on a budget. I've been doing it most of my life. I know how to cook. I know how to shop. I learn something new about food all the time because I read and research.

This is America, the land of the free and the home of the brave, and yet the government intrudes more and more into our everyday lives, telling us what we can and cannot do. I do not remember electing anyone to be my mother or my father or even my grandparents. I do not need a guardian and I do not need a babysitter. If I want to make a bad choice, I am willing to live with the consequences. That is my right. But more and more I find the government taking away my choices and dictating what they think is right for me without ever getting to know me, and people shrug and let it happen. Even when a government dictates for the people's own good, it is still dictating and a benevolent dictator is still a dictator. Before we know it, we will have fewer freedoms. This is where it starts and this is where it must end. Education is the answer, not control.

I saw Super Size Me and I know what Morgan Spurlock wanted to show, but he got the wrong end of the stick. Anything done to excess is going to be harmful -- even pleasant things. Ever read The Magic Fish-Bone by Charles Dickens?

Spurlock ate at McDonald's for every meal and it didn't look like he was exercising that much -- or even walking -- just eating. It isn't necessary to super size everything, especially not a large drink that is composed most of sugar. I'll bet if someone ate every meal at McDonald's for a year and made better food choices the outcome would have been different, especially if they exercised.

You can eat a healthy diet and still gain weight if you don't move around, get some exercise, walk at least 10,000 steps a day. The Amish eat a high fat, high carbohydrate, high cholesterol diet and few of them are overweight. Could it have something to do with all the physical labor and walking (Amish walk 20,000+ steps a day)? It's not about diet and health, or even food choices, it's about control and the government wants to control every aspect of our lives. What's worse is that people think the government cares for them. I do not think that is the motivation for government intervention in food choices. Just like drugs and guns and anything that can be overtly harmful, if people want something, they will find a way to get it -- even if they have to go across town.

Banning fast food restaurants won't make a difference in the end, but this sets a precedent. If we allow the government to take an inch, they'll take more than a mile; they will take everything away and the only choice will be no choice. Government run restaurants, government chosen menus, government guided lives -- Big Brother is already here. Think while you can, thought crimes are already being enacted.

That is all. Disperse.

Staying cool

I like hummus but it can be expensive to buy, so I decided to make my own and find that it tastes better than the store bought kind and I can add things I like: roasted red peppers, sun-dried tomatoes, dill, etc. Whatever I have on hand, even roasted garlic, but I have found out that unless I want really garlicky hummus I need to cut back on the amount of garlic cloves I use and one or two is usually just enough. I think I am going to try sautéed shiitake mushroom and onion next time. Since I've cut back on meat, hummus has become the main source of protein, and my favorite.

The clouds keep threatening this side of town with howling winds and cold breezes that make me reach for the covers at night but still no rain, unless you call the 15 minutes of off and on pounding we got on Friday. It was more off than on and the pounding was brief, about 2 minutes. There's more rain in the forecast today and tomorrow, but if it's anything like what it has been over the past few weeks, the west side of town will get it all. Going to the movies, I've found, is the best way to stay cool, although I inevitably end up sweaty by the time I get home and have to take a cold shower. Cold showers have been the best way to keep cool, even in the middle of the night.

Hellboy II was even better than the first movie and Ron Perlman has the character down. Guillermo del Toro's mechanical hell beasts and scenery make the movie a ride into the clockwork bowels of hell, but my favorite was the death of the tentacled plant being. It was the very essence of birth from destruction and it was beautiful. Abe's romance with the princess was sweetly poignant and sad and it looks like there is a lot more Hellboy to come. I can hardly wait.

Ever since I read the first issue of Batman, I have been hooked on the dark knight, but Christopher Nolan's walk on the dark side with Christian Bale's Dark Knight owes much to a Star Trek episode where Abraham Lincoln fought alongside Kirk and Spock against Genghis Khan and the Enterprise's enemies. Lincoln and the Vulcan counterpart of Lincoln decided that they must follow the dictates of their conscience and sue for peace. They were killed. They believed that fighting evil with its own weapons is not the path to peace because you end up becoming what you fight. That, too, is the message of The Dark Knight. The special effects have not taken over in this next installment of the newly realized Batman but they play a crucial part as much as any human character. Heath Ledger as the Joker moves like a maniacal Keystone Cop on crack and his mania runs like a Stygian current through his performance with an understated, malevolent glee that is the complete opposite of Jack Nicholson and Cesar Romero's giggling, gleeful portrayals. Ledger is a much darker and more dangerous Joker that sneaks up on you and begins to make sense. It is sad to have lost such a bright and talented actor, and it makes me wonder if Ledger found it difficult to get out of character once he became the Joker.

Of all the musicals I have seen in recent years, Mamma Mia! is at once sillier and much more fun. Meryl Streep's voice has lost some of its verve and depth, sounding like she's smoked too many cigarettes and spent too many nights up drinking at the bar, but she can carry a tune. The choreography is haphazard and thrown together and I expected the swim fin chorus line to breaking into a tap routine at any minute, but despite the contrived feel of the musical numbers I thoroughly enjoyed myself watching stellar actors having so much fun being silly.

The new X-Files is on my schedule this week and I know I'll enjoy seeing Mulder and Scully together again as they race against the clock to stop the next phase of alien colonization before December 21, 2012. However you plan to stay cool, enjoy yourself and the waning days of sun and heat and flies, for autumn is not far away.

That is all. Disperse.

Jaundiced vision

Last night I heard one writer talking about another writer. I'll call the writers Lila and Anne.

Anne was celebrating a three book deal, her first, and I heard Lila call Anne a liar. She didn't say it directly to Anne but to three other writers sitting with her at the meeting. But when Lila saw a copy of Anne's contract she couldn't deny the truth.

"It was nothing but luck but luck won't finish those books." One of the other writers asked Lila why she was so negative. "I know her," Lila said. "She is a hack. I could do better. I should be the one writing those books."

One of Lila's friends reminded her that she didn't have the contacts or the experience to write the books. All it took was one look from Lila to silence her friend who should have known better than to question Lila's judgment. Lila forced a laugh and patted the friend's hand. "I was just joking," she said. Her friends smiled weakly and changed the subject.

It wasn't enough to call Anne a liar. Lila had to let everyone know she was the better writer. The fact that Lila hasn't written or sold anything since her first book three years ago wasn't mentioned. It's not something Lila wanted to hear and her friends, uncomfortable as they were with Lila's comments, know better than to cross Lila.

Lila belongs to a lot of clubs and writing associations. She's active in the writing community. She's an organizer, and a good one, using her charm and skills to draw other people in and get them involved, but few people really know what she's really like. They know her public face, not her private face. They would be surprised to hear how Lila talks about them when they're not around or how she criticizes their work and writing choices. Lila is no different than a million other writers who believe their kind of writing and minimal to moderate success is the only success. It's nothing new.

Journalists see fiction writers as hacks pandering to consumers and publishers to create the dregs of writing: romance, mystery, thriller, fantasy, science fiction . . . every genre of fiction. Journalists stick to the facts and few would be willing to admit that since Truman Capote wrote In Cold Blood and turned hard journalism on its head to create a new kind of journalism that combines the tools of literary fiction in bringing the facts to life, journalism isn't what it used to be. Journalists will grudgingly admit to the dream of retiring or taking time off to write the Great American Novel, but that's as far as they go. The club journalists belong to is exclusive and doesn't admit the hacks, even though there are plenty of journalistic hacks in the ranks more interested with fame and Pulitzers than of keeping the public informed of the truth.

Authors of literary fiction look down on genre writers and within the ranks of genre writers mystery writers and writers of thrillers look down on romance authors and they all look down on science fiction and fantasy authors -- or did once upon a time before the lines between the genres blurred and genres mixed, adding romance to science fiction and fantasy and fantastical elements to mystery and thrillers and vice versa. Nonfiction writers give the cold shoulder to fiction writers and so it goes.

When it comes right down to where the rubber meets the road, humans are social animals, creating clubs and associations and organizations that are supposed to bring people together and end up serving to keep people out. After all, a club can't be exclusive if everyone is allowed to join, defeats the purpose of being exclusive. And people respond by either creating their own exclusive clubs that exclude the people who excluded them or seek legal means to force their way in. It has always been this way and it will likely always be this way as long as people see everyone else as rivals or less than they are.

A writing teacher once told me that getting published is 90% luck and 10% talent. He was right. What he failed to mention is that writing is also about hard work. The words may come easily, editing could be a breeze or merely going through the motions, but none of that matters if a writer sits on the writing or doesn't move far from their comfort zone to try something new, to keep growing and changing and evolving. Some writers, like Harper Lee, only need to write one book to be wealthy and famous for the rest of their lives. Those writers are rare. Most writers keep plugging away and failing, becoming famous after they die and someone find their work and realizes they have lost a gem -- John Kennedy Toole comes to mind. Some writers stay in their comfortable niche, happy to write what they like and what works for them -- something they can phone in and still be brilliant -- or nearly brilliant. Other writers fail and never write anything else or sit on the sidelines, smug and satisfied that they at least got one or two contracts and their books are on the shelves with their name on the spine; they never write anything else or spend so much time organizing and criticizing that they feel they don't need to prove themselves or keep company with writers who are less talented or just luckier.

Harper Lee wrote another book but it was, by all reports, awful and she never wrote another, hiding behind her one success. Truman Capote wrote several successful books but then fell into a life of drugs and booze and rarely wrote anything good, demoralized because his cousin Harper Lee was more successful than he was and despite his success with In Cold Blood. He felt he had failed. The critics couldn't praise his work enough because he felt he was a failure. He fell into a comfortable niche and never came out again, never challenged the boundaries or tried another path.

It doesn't matter if a writer or poet puts their work into trunks in the attic and is discovered after her death or writes only news articles or book reviews or recipes or whatever they choose; they are still writers and poets. If the only success they ever taste is finishing a book or fifty stories or being published in anthologies or literary journals or on the pages of national papers and magazines, they are still writers and as such are worthy of recognition and respect. If a writer manages one contract for one book with the help of a friend, he's a writer. If you write for your own amusement or for your children or for publication, you're a writer and deserve to be recognized and respected. You belong to the club of writers and poets, no matter whether you write fiction or nonfiction, and it is an exclusive club. Good thing the club of readers is more forgiving and will allow writers and poets to join. One is not better than the other; both clubs are symbiotic. Writers need readers and readers need something to read, and everyone is a critic and some critics are published.

What Lila forgets is that Anne has worked hard for her success even though it seems like she has been standing still. Yes, she was lucky to land the contract and to be finally recognized for the excellent writer she is. Lila's criticism has less to do with Anne's abilities or talents or luck and more to do with Lila's fear that the sleeper has awakened and she is about to be eclipsed. She needn't worry because Anne knows she's lucky and she also knows how much hard work has gone into making her reputation for good, solid writing and clear, evocative prose. It has been a long hard climb up the ladder for Anne and she stumbled and stopped along the way, but she deserves her success. It's too bad Lila can't see that with her jaundiced vision.

Every writer feels a little jealousy at someone else's success, especially if it seems the success is unearned. That's only human. But to hang on to the jealousy reeks of sour grapes and bad sportsmanship. The cure is simple. Take a moment to feel the jealousy completely and then go over and congratulate your rival. After that, get back to work and use your rival's success as a reminder that publishers are still willing to buy good work (yours if you work hard) and there's plenty of luck -- and publishers -- left to go around.

Unfortunately, Lila is like too many writers who have tasted a little success and realize that it may be all they will ever have no matter how hard they try because, like my Gram always said, her eyes are bigger than her stomach. Personally, I wish both Lila and Anne well, as I wish all writers -- successful and struggling -- well. After all, we all need a pat on the back once in a while.