Fear of Writing

I am cautiously optimistic.

Sounds like the beginning of a politician's set speech, something that uses a lot of words but says nothing.

What I mean to say is that I don't want to queer my pitch and fall back down into the hole where I've been living for at least the past 2-3 years. That's how long I have not been actively writing. Not books. Not consistently. Not even in my paper journals, except when something won't be silenced and I need to get it out. Where I once went through a good sized journal every 2-3 months, it is taking me a year, possibly more because I'm afraid to look, getting halfway through the current journal. It's in my bedside table, so there's no excuse, but I fell out of the habit of writing every day and that would be writing.

Oh, I write book reviews on occasion. I have not stopped reading, voraciously. I just stopped writing. The ideas and characters and plot points were there clamoring to be heard and put on the page, but I refused to listen. It's a skill I learned as a teenager at home. I was a master at ignoring my mother speaking, cajoling, wrangling, arguing, and criticizing me. Now I can say I'm equally good at ignoring the urge, the desire, the need to write.

Or at least I was until a couple of days ago.

There is a book I wrote several years ago that I've been meaning to format for ebooks. I did some of it initially and then . . . stopped. Fiddling with it doesn't count since I seldom got more than a few pages done. Then something caught hold of me and I opened the file and began formatting. More than a few pages. Lots of pages.

And then it happened. I wrote. Tweaking a bit of dialogue. Writing a new sentence or two. Actually editing and -- dare I say it? -- writing. Shock took hold and I stopped. It wasn't safe to continue.

The next night, I opened the file, searched for the markers, and formatted some more.

And I wrote more.

Now you know why I began with "cautiously optimistic." I'm not sure how long this will last and I don't want to scare it away. Journaling more was the catalyst, that and being unable to ignore the voices clamoring for attention.

The thing is, even if you know there's a trap ahead, you could still fall into it. My trap was set around expectations. Unreal expectations. I got away from the reason I began writing as a child -- because I wanted to tell stories, to write them down, and keep them for myself. I got caught up in making money, enough money to quit the day job and write. That didn't happen, not with the first or the second or even the 15th book. I was still slogging along, banking small royalties, and still wage slaving away.

Then there were the awful reviews from people who obviously didn't read much or thought my books were romance. I don't write romance, although there is romance in some of my books. Not the same thing at all. They had unrealistic expectations of me, that I would fulfill their need, their desire for a new romance novelist.  My books are much more complex, and I hope richer than formula romance. Those reviewers obviously didn't read the book or just "couldn't get into it" as some wrote. I can't get into some books either, but I don't trash them or eviscerate the writer for not living up to my expectations. I say I couldn't get into the book and leave it at that. I could tell those reviewers likely didn't read past the first chapter or two and yet reviewed the book as if they had. I don't read past the second chapter, or even the third, and I write the author privately and say I won't review the book and explain why. There are readers who like those books, but one of them wasn't, or isn't, me.

It seemed pointless to keep writing for people who didn't want what I had to offer. Frankly, I was deep into the abyss of depression and didn't care about anything any more. Nothing that once gave me pleasure even touched the darkness I clothed myself in. I didn't care. All I could manage was doing the job I was paid to do and very little else. And I mean very little else.

That's how it was until recently when my world was shaken, stirred, and turned upside down. The bank foreclosed on all my landlord's properties, my house included. I didn't think much would change, since the bank said nothing would change. I sent my rent to a new address and person and everything slid back down into the abyss. Then someone put a realtor's sign in my yard and a letter informed me that I would have to open my door to let people tramp through the house, people who might want to buy the house -- and toss me into the street.

Okay, the street is a bit of an exaggeration, but not much.

I've always been at my best when my back is against the wall. A spark ignited and the furnace went into heating the arctic circle mode. I would fight back. I would offer to buy the house.

Every obstacle put up against me I hurdled. Every threat I faced. I was alive again. Too bad it came at such a cost. The house is still a mess because I haven't done anything for 2 or 3 years; that means cleaning house. I did just enough to get by with laundry, with dishes, with everything.

As my anger and determination fired up, so did something else inside me -- the desire to write. That is where I am now.

No doubt I will get more bad reviews from readers who couldn't get into my books or didn't bother to read anything and are determined to leave 1/5 stars. Let them. I can take it. I'll consider the source.

Slowly and surely, I will come back from this. Whether I live here or not, if the bank allows me to buy this house or not, I will keep going. I'm not sure I can stand another slide into the abyss, and I will write and clean and fight back with all that's in me.

Bad = Good for You

Isn't it interesting that when someone tries to harm you they end up helping you? I'll bet if they knew, they'd stop causing trouble and meddling. I certainly wouldn't want that.

It's like a bad review. On the surface, your work has been slammed -- HARD. It's a blow to the ego and to everything you thought you had done. Don't take it like that. A bad review causes talk and talk causes interest which ends up in sales. Take a bad review like a free marketing push that will put your work higher up in the consumer's consciousness. Think not?

How many times have you read a book or seen a movie because you heard it was awful? Really awful. Translate and rejoice. You finally get it.

The same thing goes for people who mean you harm by talking about you and creating problems, especially if you're a writer. Their ill intentions usually equal interest and that will equal sales. But don't tell the pot stirrer because they might stop creating problems. You don't want that.

Be a pro. Thank them for the time they took to read and review your book. Ask them to tell all their friends. You might not have to ask; they've probably already spread the word.

Sometimes bad equals good. It's not the best intentions you need, but often evil intentions. It gets more press and generates more interest. Thank the publishing and movie gods for bad intentions.

No, Not That!

There are times when an author's life is not interesting, usually when editing and rewriting endlessly to make a book just right. I think of Goldilocks and what having everything just right did for her and I cringe. It's hard for a perfectionist to get past the need to keep tweaking a book. An error might have gotten through numerous edits, even from someone else's eyes, and when they pop up later, usually after the book has gone to print, the groan and gnashing of teeth can be heard at least half a continent away, if not all the way to the next continent and beyond. At least with ebooks it's easier to change things and upload the new version, and somewhat easier with print versions as long as you self-published and have already gotten through the first print run, which usually isn't all that big a deal. There is, of course, the issue of cost because printers tend to charge you when you make too many changes and approve the proof. Into every life and all that.

I suppose the worst thing to deal with is bad reviews. I expect them. One reviewer actually emailed me to tell me she couldn't get into the book and therefore would not publish a review. I heaved a hearty sigh of relief since any review she would have written would have been horrible. I can handle bad reviews if someone actually bought the book, but I am ready to ignore pointedly any bad reviews from people who got a book for free. After all, I review books and there are times when I have to write bad reviews, always doing my best to point out something positive, even if it's a nice font. It's something nice, so give me a break. I don't do cleaned up reviews. You pays yo' money and takes yo' chances. I expect to get what I give so frequently.

However, when a bad review seems to have been written about your book that in no way resembles your book, it's hard to forgive and forget. Mostly, it's hard to forget. It haunts you in the night and creeps up on you unawares at the worst possible moments, like in bed with your husband/boyfriend/lover/whatever. You sit up and scream (mostly just scream), "What book did s/he read?" It takes all of one's might and discipline not to hunt the person down and demand an explanation and a diagram with colored markers and bullet points.

Too many authors have gone head-to-head with reviewers in wanting to know why and where and how dare they. It's a bad idea that ends in tears and public ridicule the likes of which one can only imagine given the Internet and the speed at which ugly gossip flies. It's best to take a no comment stance as though walking up the stairs to jail or to the courthouse where you're being arraigned for heinous acts against humanity -- and wearing fur. This is a wired world where everything is connected. Even if you make a snide comment in Outer Mongolia below your breath, someone will hear you, snap a picture on their phone and record the video to show on You Tube where someone will mention it to someone else and in a matter of nanoseconds you have gone viral with a big red sign painted on your forehead that reads "IDIOT." There is such a thing as bad press when there are too many cameras, phones, video recorders, and other devices to foil any attempts at denial, and the nonchalant (not that it's too late) shrug of the shoulders or a saucy wink will not make the situation better.

You have become a joke. An obsessive author with delusions of adequacy. And your books will be avoided -- by most people who don't want to be associated with someone who can't keep their professional cool. Not a good idea at all. Avoid at all costs.

I look at reviews, all reviews, and smile when they're good, frown a little (makes wrinkles) when they are marginal, and hide all sharp objects and projectile firing instruments just in case the reviewer crosses my path at a convention or at the grocery store where I've tracked him (or her) to have a quiet word.

When it happens to you -- and it will happen eventually -- smile and find something else to do, like write another book and give more people more chances to sling mud and fire pot shots at your children books. Keeping busy is a good thing. I think that's where the old adage, Idle hands are the devil's workshop, came from. It must have been an author out to scalp, torture and dismember someone who gave a bad review.

Elbow Room

On Castle this week, the murder centered around a body shoved into a pizza oven and nearly burned beyond recognition. The owner, Authentic Nick, whose real name was Ralph, was certain the culprit was one of his three competitors, each with their own Nick's Pizza store and a different version of Authentic on one of the four corners on Mott Street. Each of his competitors had once worked for Ralph and had stolen his recipe to create their own empire, and thus the pizza wars. Their tactics were strictly sophomoric: soap in the pizza sauce, flaming bags of poo, etc. No one admitted to having put the body in Ralph's oven, which was admittedly the best and served as a way to ruin sales. After all, who wants a pizza cooked in an oven that also cooked a human being?

As I watched the show, I was reminded of the tricks that writers will pull on each other to thin the field of competition, like bad mouthing someone's hard work when there is no reason to do so or spreading untruths about their competition's personal life. As hard as I try to understand, I just don't get it. I thought we had matured past the need to ruin the competition. There is room for us all and I've found the best revenge is not living well but writing well.

As in the case of one upset writer who carried on a virtual shouting match with a reviewer, it seems there really is no such thing as bad publicity -- at least for the reviewer. Everyone wants to read the exchange and find out what there was about that particular writer that was so nuts. First of all, she should never have taken on the reviewer. That was bad form and highly unprofessional. The only other worse thing the author could have done was lampoon the reviewer in series after series of articles in order to shore up her self esteem. Honey, it was just one review. Fix the problems and move on.

As a reviewer, I have had to consider first whether or not I should review someone who has hurt me personally and tried to hurt me professionally. If I cannot be completely objective, then I don't do the review. Fortunately for me, I have had to deal with this situation very few times. Since that reviewer didn't know that particular author personally or professionally, and since she had approached him for a review, the point of whether he could be completely objective is moot. However, I doubt he will consider reviewing any more of her work and there is little doubt that she will approach him again, even though the review was on the whole a good one.

What we need is more professionalism and less of the schoolyard rivalries in writing. Authors and reviewers have enough problems finding room for their work; they do not need to squabble with their colleagues. There is plenty of room for all writers, even the bad ones, who make the good ones look that much better. All we need to do is keep a few rules in mind.

1. Don't engage the reviewer except to thank him for the review and move on. You'll gain notoriety, but it won't be the good kind. Instead, thank the reviewer for his time and take a good hard look at the comments to see if you could improve the work.

2. Make your work error-free. You've written complex and interesting characters, plotted flawlessly and written sparkling dialogue, but don't forget the basics: grammar, punctuation and spelling, and get rid of all the typos whenever you find them. This is easier with self-publishing. And make sure you use the correct words. For instance: You sight a gun, but you work at a building site. I recently found that mistake in a work I'm currently reviewing from a respected and award-winning author. We all make mistakes.

3. Be professional. It doesn't hurt to mind your manners and keep professionalism uppermost in mind. It's like wearing a suit to a first interview instead of your favorite jeans and a T-shirt or simply treating everyone around you, especially those that can help or hurt your career, with respect and honor. An interviewer asked the Queen Mother of England why she never spoke in public. She told him it was because she didn't want to give a bad impression or give anyone the chance to misquote her. It's like the old saying about appearing stupid and then opening your mouth to remove all doubt. The Queen Mother was reportedly one of the most intelligent and politically astute women of her time.

It's simple when you get right down to it and it boils down to the Golden Rule. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. It is also true for writing. Do your job. Do it flawlessly and treat everyone with respect and professionalism. How hard is that? With a good attitude and professional matters, there is elbow room for us all.