Sunday, June 19, 2005

End of a long road

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I am not going to win any friends or influence any people, but there are things that need to be said -- and written. Here seems to be the only safe place any more.

It isn't that I'm hiding anything, but there are times when I need to say what's on my mind without worrying about having it turned against me. My mother did that to me as a teenager and I quit writing to protect myself and my thoughts from punishment and retribution. A near calamity gave my writing back to me. And now a friend, knowing my history and that particular story, is turning my words against me again. This time I am no teenager easily cowed by anyone and I will not go into the woodwork and deny myself the outlet and joy of writing. It's not going to happen.

After nearly two weeks of peace and quiet from her flame-filled emails and recriminations, she called this afternoon to climb back down my throat about a comment I left on a mutual friend's journal. I wrote about how difficult it is for some people to separate their alliances with people who are involved when they dislike or have an issue with one person of the couple. There is a mutual friend whose friendship I was certain was gone. He IM-ed me yesterday and we chatted for a while. It was great talking to him about everything and nothing in particular, just chatting like we used to do for hours on end. Her name wasn't brought up. It didn't need to come up. I had nothing to say and I didn't want to start any trouble with him. His relationship with her is separate from my friendship with him.

She read my comment on K's journal and my journal about chatting with him, although she took me off her friend's list, and said I could have him, that she is tired of me trashing her all over the place. She told me she is going to have to leave Colorado Springs because of my slander. Ever the smart aleck, I told her it was libel because it was written. Probably not the best move, but it was accurate. She got even more belligerant and ruder. I kept asking her what I had done but she wouldn't answer, going back to an earlier disagreement that she blames on someone else, although she told me in no uncertain terms that she never expected me of all her friends to be jealous of her success. I'm not. I'm glad for her success. Lord knows I patched her together emotionally enough times while she was agonizing over the book being accepted. I believed. She didn't. That is another situation for another time.

Anyway, she accused me of trashing her on K's journal by my comment about understanding her point about people taking sides when they didn't need to and that all they really needed to do was come to her to talk about their problems with her instead of involving her fella. I didn't mention any names. I certainly didn't name my attacker. It's just something that has happened to me over the years and it sad. I wanted to show a friend some understanding and support and let her know I agreed with her. I left out a lot of things I could have put in there, but I didn't want to cause any more problems than there are between she and I because of the mutual friend. She has already kept me out of a project on a web site I have been part of and I understand her reasoning on that. She doesn't need or want the drama either. But now it looks like I'll have to stop commenting on K's journal just to keep the once mutual friend from using it as a means to cause more drama and more problems for K.

I told her in the midst of her tirade that I didn't think it was productive and it was a waste of both our times and I ended the call, wishing her well. She called back. I picked up and hung up. She called again. I just let it ring. I neither need nor want her drama back in my life. My headaches are gone and my life is good. Why would I want the headaches and drama back?

I couldn't figure out what she meant about me trashing her so badly she would have to move from Colorado Springs or that I had trashed her with her fella. I'm believe she has gone over the edge and I can't help her. She has to figure this out for herself. It's not my problem. She sees me as the enemy and has for a long time. But yet I couldn't figure out why she felt the need to stir up another hornet's nest when we hadn't spoken or communicated for two weeks. Then it dawned on me -- she either needs my help or she missed the drama. Again, it's not my problem. All I can say at this point is that I pity her. She unfriended me on her journal and made a big tearful deal about it on her journal because she said what she wrote was being used against her, stolen and used to hurt her. The truth is that she keeps reading my journal, stalking me on my other journals (not here yet) and when I make friends only posts she has someone copying them and pasting them into emails to her, causing more trouble, even more drama, so she can attack me again.

What can I do?

Not much. She is stalking me. My thoughts and views are my own from my point of view. It is my truth. I don't care if anyone believes me or not. This is my life as I see it. Friends only posts end up being distributed to her. I know I'm a good writer, but not that good. I ignore her and go on with my life and she calls me on the phone because I delete her emails unread. Next, she'll show up on my doorstep. My address is public information and it wouldn't take much to find me. I'm not running. I'm not going to fend off any more attacks. If anyone feels the need to send her my restricted posts, they are welcome to do so. All they are doing is giving her more ammunition and more excuses to blame me for her problems.

She said our conversation today would probably end up on my journal. I think that's what she wants so she can play the martyred and reviled friend who is willing to forgive and forget while I, the evil ex-friend with poison on my blade and mischief in my mind, continue to paint myself as all sweetness and light, the wolf in sheep's clothing. It's her stage. She can do what she wants. As for me, I wish she'd understand that she doesn't enter my thoughts, my writing or my conversation for days and days on end and that's the way I like it. She needs to find a life and someone else to blame now that her ex-best friend has moved out of state and I refuse to be her latest target.

This is the long walk off the short pier, the end of the road for our friendship. Maybe when she grows up that will change, but for the foreseeable future. . . not going to happen.

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