Saturday, February 19, 2005

Silent Saturday

Everyone here at 's place is asleep, except for me -- and the cats who are just cat napping. The sun fingers the closed blinds looking for a way to get in and I am awake and a bit congested. Strange dreams chased me all night, dreams that I still remember despite their kaleidoscopic changes. Cleaning oilcloth covered tables and yanking off ants with their mandibles deep in my flesh who are determined to get the crumbs of food I'm washing away. Strangely intelligent men with bi-racial daughters asking questions about divorce so they can marry the woman of their dreams. Pools of water that anemically suck at me while I hang onto a granite-faced wall to flush out the pool. People I've never met discussing the night attire of women in pictures, women I know and whose over-sized clothes I pull away from their slender bodies to demonstrate how they fail to fill out the semi-transparent silk gowns. Expounding at length on divorce law and how to obtain a real quickie divorce without going to Mexico, Haiti, or the Dominican Republic (I did a series of short articles on divorce for a law web site recently) and running the risk of having your divorce ruled invalid. Walking silent moon bathed streets in unknown cities and passing pockets of shadow full of chattering people. And the dreams continued.

I wonder if all those dreams could possibly be the result of an enjoyable night of Constantine at Tinseltown in Colorado Springs followed by a wandering drive, after being separated from my friends I was following, down to the Broadmoor and the really ritzy side of town, then back onto I-25 and down Academy to Constitution where I stopped at a Sinclair station to ask the name of the restaurant and directions. came to the gas station and gave me directions and I followed her (sort of) to this little Chinese place off Powers where we had a feast and much laughter. talked to the service staff and asked them to sing happy birthday to me in Chinese, but I got away unsung. They must have forgotten and I didn't remind anyone. Then we went next door for a bit of ice cream (mmmm amaretto) and then back to the apartment to talk and enjoy a few quiet moments. As usual, the muse and I stayed up past midnight while poor , who also served as navigator to the restaurant after my solo trek, stood huddled in his blanket with a pleading, mournful and somewhat toe-tapping-you're-keeping-me-from-sleeping look on his face.

All in all, the contemplative drive from my mountain aerie to the Springs accompanied by some really good music on a sunny and peaceful day, and despite the hassle of traffic slow downs and congestion (worse than the one in my head and sinuses today), and a good time with great friends made up for the rotten birthday I had the day before. Well, that, and a quick chat with , who insisted that he did NOT forget my birthday the day before but rather did remember and just didn't send his natal day wishes until the time had passed because he was busy, early in the morning and before I left the snow-flocked fastness of my little secluded hideaway, made my day.

I debated stopping to drop off some books to but demurred since the traffic was so horrendous and I was behind schedule, and since I will see him Tuesday morning when he drops me off at the airport for my trip to New Jersey.

But this morning when the muse clan wakes from their television-accompanied night of dreams I have been threatened with apple fritters at Krispy Kreme and a chat with a notorious female of malign purpose who, I have been informed, will attempt to charm me and throw me off her fetid track (but will fail miserably). There will be a trip to various marts for business and a jaunt thru the local environs and dives so that I may learn a little more about my soon to be adopted home. Tomorrow will dawn somewhere beyond the darkened windows here and I will be off in the dark to Aurora for a hamfest where I fully expect to buttonhole some experienced hams and soak my psyche and dreams in the magic of electronics and radio for a few hours, a trip I am looking forward to with relish -- not to be confused with hot dog relish which is a much different condiment altogether.

I think I'll hop back in bed with Tolkien and finish Frodo's latest adventure while I wait for the house to wake. In the meantime, may your day be what you wish and may you find something to smile about.

Friday, February 18, 2005

Getting kicked... no fun, especially when you have to pick yourself up without help, and I've been kicked a lot lately, which is pretty apparent in some of my recent posts. However, this time I'm picking myself up, dusting myself off, and focusing on a different horizon for a change, and it is out there.

The sun is bright and the clouds are a brilliant soaring blue with mare's tails whipping across the sky, whisking away snow, and pain, and sadness.

I am going to the Springs this weekend and will be gone for about a week. I also have to go to New Mexico for a story and interviews next weekend, but in the interim between trips I will be staying with my good and dear friend, elementalmuse, and her kids, both of whom I adore. I may sneak a chance or two to update while I'm there, but most of the time will be devoted to getting back all the energy I have expended on so many other things and people. I plan to see a few sights in the Springs, walk a few trails, and commune with nature in the Garden of the Gods. I need to get back to the source. I will also share energy with a very wonderful group of people who belong to Shadow Myst and meet some new faces while we mingle energies and stories for a little while. Then it's off to New Jersey for some training, a lot of reading, and maybe a stroll or two along unfamiliar pathways.

When I get back next week, just before I journey to the source of ancient powers and beauties and share a meal with the indomitable Mentalfuse just to shake up his world with a little intensity and a lot of shared laughter and smiles, I'll reconnect with some beloved energy.

I have been upset and hurt and in a lot of pain lately because of someone dear to me who is dealing with his own pain. Instead of being a good friend and a loving support I have focused on the wrong horizons. Time to change the view, take off the blinders, and see the horizon anew.

So to my beloved friend I offer bright blessings and love in this time of confusion, doubt, and fear. May my insights light your path and show you that ignoring your problems and not taking care of yourself, punishing yourself for things you cannot change and should let go, will only drag you deeper into despair. When you're ready to lift your head, take a deep breath of the fresh air of hope, and step back into the light I will be waiting to walk beside you on the path.

Thursday, February 17, 2005

Just when you think it's safe... count on life again you find it isn't.

The next two weeks are going to be very hectic for me, so hectic in fact that I was rather looking forward to the change of pace, but as usual the flies have mated and spawned in the ointment, and all on my birthday. What a wonderful gift.

Sound a little less cheerful than my usual mood? You're right.

In the past few weeks although some things have settled down and I have had good news it seems that the warm spell, like last year's non-existent summer, are short lived. The news I was expecting today that all would be well and the drought was over came with a huge surprise, that the drought continues unabated. So now what do I do? I keep on breathing and walking and taking chances and living. There are no other options.

Lately I have been described as intense and a little like looking directly at the sun, which can blind you. However, I wonder if that's really a bad thing. Isn't it better to know where you stand with someone than to constantly have to guess or to play mindless, childless, and often destructive relationship games only to find the person you thought you knew was a simulacrum, a construct, barely human? It could be that I am too basic, too clear, too honest, and too focused, that I look people directly in the eye when talking to them and I make my wishes, thoughts, and desires known, that I don't do ambiguity well and that what you see with me is exactly what you get. I always thought those were positive attributes, but I have been told they are not.

I understand how difficult it is to face up to what you feel and believe and think and tell people exactly that, especially when it isn't rewarded in any way, shape, or form, but what are the options, subterfuge, lies, dishonesty, hiding? Eventually the truth will come out and then you get to spend a lot of time shoveling raw sewage, which is seldom pleasant unless you have no sense of smell at all and don't mind wallowing in filth. I used to be the same way, ignoring things and hoping they would get better or go away, but they never did. Instead they presented me with bigger problems that grew exponentially out of control to the point that they became unmanageable. Ignorance is not bliss, especially when you have to wake up eventually and face life.

Okay, so I can be intense and I am focused, and I look people directly in the eye, and I am exactly who and what I appear to be, there are worse ways to be. Look around.

Truth has become an option instead of the rule of thumb. Honesty is something to bargain with, a tantalizing bit of bait to dangle and pull away when the mood strikes or when the fish/person is hooked and it's too late to spit out the hook because it's deeply embedded, not to mention costly when you wish to disentangle yourself. Lies have become disinformation and strategy. Evasion is commonplace; after all who wants to piss someone off or hurt their feelings when you can side step the issue and play free and easy with the facts?

It's not for me, this wholesale devaluation of honesty, truth, integrity, and motives, so I guess that means I will continue to be alone in my ever shrinking world of truth and justice, and that will have to do this time around. There are worse things than looking directly at the sun and blindness, apathy and fear are just a few of them.

As for me, I will continue to be bold, intense, forthright, and unstintingly honest whatever the cost because the only other option is more of the same halfway attitudes that passes for living.

Monday, February 14, 2005

Happy Valentine's Day?

Valentine's day is an awful day if you have no one to share it with. But when you do...

It is also not a good idea to thank someone for sending you two dozen beautiful red roses without checking the card first. I got a shock and I'm still not sure it's a good one. I thanked someone for the beautiful roses only to be told they didn't send them. Embarrassed, I searched the box for a card that had slipped into the bottom. They were from Don and included a dinner invitation for tonight.

Now what do I do?

Sunday, February 13, 2005

Sunday slow down

It's a beautiful sunny day and the first time it has been above 20 degrees for weeks. Snow is melting and plopping wetly onto the piles of snow under the roof. I may even get enough energy up to shovel the deck today out in the warm sun. But in the meantime, acoustic guitar and Michael Johnson are playing on the computer and I'm going to go downstairs and fix a real breakfast: ham, eggs, and fresh cut mango. Then I'm going to sit in my favorite chair in the sunshine, listen to the music, and leisurely enjoy myself before I have to finish cleaning house and doing laundry.

There are worse things in life than a leisurely Sunday morning alone in the silence and solitude of my mountain cabin, like expecting your lover to take the time to come visit and share a birthday and Valentine's celebration and ending up alone.

It's a 40 day

My youngest sister turns 40 at exactly 7:30 PM tonight -- that is if you count birthdays by the exact moment of emergence from the warmth and comfort of the womb into the cold and brightly lit world.