Monday, June 19, 2006

There oughta be a law

A new wrinkle in my changing biological war zone occurred yesterday afternoon. I had just returned from watching Firewall with Nel across the hall. FYI, the movie left a lot to be desired. It was Swordfish meets Frantic meets every Harrison Ford family-in-bad-guy-clutches-race-against-time without the redeeming features.

I had queued up the program to pull down some work and sent it to find some decent jobs for me and then went to the bathroom. As I washed my hands I felt that slithery tickle that means my nose is about to run and the Kleenex were in the other room.

Attention: Gross female stuff ahead.

I sniffed it back, all the time hearing Gram's voice saying, "Get a Kleenex", and decided to get the Kleenex on the desk, reached up to blow and came away with blood. Not just a trickle or a blush but a river of blood. I raced back to the bedroom to the Kleenex box, ripped up a handful and settled on the love seat at the foot of the bed to wait it out. Half a box of Kleenex, a near belly full and two hours later it finally stopped, but not without a massacre's worth down the bathroom sink and some pretty impressive mega clots. I can just imagine what had already slithered down my throat but I'd rather not.

The only time I get nose bleeds these days is if I've scratched the delicate lining while cleaning out said orifice a little too vigorously. But to bleed like that for no reason?

A quick Google search added a new symptom to the growing list of menopausal signs to deal with over the next who knows how long -- nose bleeds.

I have learned to deal with the power surges and being dumped head first into the center of Hell. I've found that wearing shoes lessens the swelling in my feet when I sit too long and it's not the time of my cycle, which seems to be faltering. Cold showers feel really good right now and I'm sure they will continue to feel good deep into the winter as long as the heat wave continues. I can even get past the lack of concentration and sometimes muddled thoughts that sporadically plague me, but I foresee a Sam's Club trip to spend my paycheck on Kleenex if this new wrinkle continues.

Something needs to be done.

It would be a very good idea to move to Alaska, or the north pole at least, right about now. Cold flashes would also be good, but Alaska and glaciers and snow should be the right of all menopausal women. We wouldn't be a drain on electricity and heating resources because we provide our own year round and could even be rented out to melt sidewalks, roads and parking lots. Summer time is not the time of hot flashes but for cold flashes and if Mother Nature and Father Time could stop battling it out long enough they could at least sync their skirmishes to take advantage of the appropriate season. Hot flashes for winter to save on electricity and heat and cold flashes for summer to save on A/C. Now that is planning.

I propose that all women suffering from said alternating power surges, or temperature drops, be allowed to swap with women having the opposite symptoms in order to help conserve resources and be more comfortable. That should be the law. In the meantime, I'm going to spend more of my hard earned cash to buy vitamin C and E because there is a rumor they help with the nose bleeds and center of Hell phenomenon before I'm transferred to the middle of the sun.

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