Sunday, November 26, 2006
It is said there are only six degrees of separation, that there are on six connections between you and everyone else on the planet. With the Internet, and probably because of Live Journal, that gap is much smaller. Connecting by glowing lines of energy like a virtual spider's web that touches nearly every computer on the planet. Strangers meet online and share bits and pieces of their lives, but usually only the good parts, the happy moments, or the moments that show us in a good light. It is as if we never get bad breath or body odor, never pass gas or wake up with our swollen from crying or lack of sleep. We are on a perpetual first date when first appearances are all that matter. We save the bad moments, the sadness, the loneliness, the anger and less than perfect hair days for close friends, family and the person who shares our homes.
Every once in a while someone vents and allows their anger and disappointment and pain out onto their journal. Some people understand and offer support. Some people rant and rave about how negative the person is for showing how human and fragile they really are. Some people read and say nothing, either from shock or because they don't know what to say.
Sometimes we just need to vent without seeing the positive side of things, without looking for reasons or answers and just because we want someone to listen or read and stay silent.
A couple days ago a friend called me nearly in tears. I had offered a positive slant to her situation. She wasn't ready to hear positive. She wanted to feel the pain and anger and disappointment. I listened just as she has listened to me rant and rave at times. She needed a friend and an ear, not answers. That is difficult for me. I don't like seeing anyone in pain and cannot help myself; I want to offer my support and understanding. Sometimes it is welcome; sometimes it is not.
We all have demons and secrets and days when nothing goes right. We cannot see the bottom of the well and there is no light to guide us while we dig ourselves out. Lying there and allowing the earth to cover us so we can let go and not have to face another moment of pain or struggle or disappointment or betrayal is seductive. We want to quit, to just lie down and go to sleep forever. I've felt it and I feel it from time to time even now. But I'm a fix-it person and I seldom allow the dirt to cover me for long. As long as I'm breathing I know things will change because they have--many times.
Those who know me well know some of my story and know that my life has not been easy, not even as a child. I have stood at a graveside with my youngest sister while they lowered a small white coffin into the ground and shoveled the earth over her first born child. I have watched my grandmother's body wracked with pain as her muscles and tendons pulled her back into a fetal ball and even the most loving touch caused her to scream with mindless pain. I have lost a child and known rape. I have been lied to and used and I have walked away from love. I watch my parents sink further and further into old age and disease and I live with the knowledge that this day might be their last on earth at this time. I have been homeless and I have been alone, sometimes by choice, and I have been surrounded by friends. I have had acquaintances call me best friend and then stab me in the back. I have taken help when I had none to give in return. I have said goodbye to close friends when I really meant until I see you again and they died before I saw them again. I have been brutalized by the men who promised to love and cherish me until death and I have been loved the way fairy tales taught me to believe in.
What you see here is a small part of who I am and sometimes it's the best of me. Mostly what you read here is me working my way through life and learning as I go. I hope some small part of what I offer helps you understand me a little bit but mostly I hope what I write helps you understand yourselves and the people around you. I hope what I write makes a connection that shows you that you are not alone, that no matter how bad things get someone has been where you stand right now and they understand, that I understand. I know I'm not alone because I have friends and family and because I have known true love. That makes all the pain and the anger and the betrayals bearable.