Monday, May 24, 2004

Before the stampede

I have a lot on my plate today: editing, writing, more editing, more writing, and a trip to the post office. I'm a little frustrated that a transfer of money has been delayed or has not gone thru, but otherwise I am handling things.

Let's see... I have a book review to write, five books to read and review, articles and essays to write if I'm going to have any chance at all of winning (read submitting) a couple contests. You have to enter to win. I also need to pump up my enthusiasm and mindless belief that I have anything worth saying . . . or writing that might garner something other than the requisite UGH. Not really.

I went to bed early last night, 8:30. I was tired and feeling uncomfortable and I just wanted to lie down and read, which I did for about 30 minutes and then I couldn't keep my eyes open any longer and I faded into the realms of sleep and rest with the lamp still on. I've done that a lot lately: went to bed to read and fell asleep with the light on. Must not have been too bad, my electric bill was only $20 last month, which is $4 less than it has been. And I'm rambling. That does not bode well for the writing day ahead.

However, I got quite a bit done on the staff issue and it is looking especially lovely. When it is out I expect everyone on my friends list to buy a copy. Everyone can afford $3.00 and it is worth the money, especially if you're a writer because it gives you what you need to know to enter our contest and win $40, or one of the other two money prizes. Besides, you get an issue of Rose & Thorn that is quite beautiful even if I do say so myself. After all, I am the designer, editor in chief, and contributor in this one. Honestly though, I was a bit scared to do the staff issue even though I suggested it. I wasn't sure I could pull it all together the way I envisioned it. I put it off and put it off, half afraid I couldn't pull it off. But when I worked on it this weekend, outside of a few coding glitches, it came together. I still have to figure out how to convert it to PDF and how to code the download, but the mechanics are already in place. PayPal buttons are functioning (finally) and I just love the cover.

Ooh, that reminds me. I have to write the editorial for the newsletter about the staff issue. I wish I could write while I sleep because words come into my mind, complete and perfect, but I lose them the moment I wake up. Still, I should be able to recreate at least most of what I dreamed. I just wish someone could invent a way to transcribe thoughts when you think them, at the moment of creation, so I wouldn't lose so much of what is in my head but stubbornly refuses to come into the light of day and spill out the ends of my fingers onto the keyboard. It's frustrating sometimes. I'll manage somehow, but what comes out of me in my dreams is so much better than what I end up writing. At least that's my opinion and I'm sticking to it.

In my capacity as editor, I received three possible submissions for the staff issue from [info]kaiberie this morning. She does write erotica very well. Surprisingly, she said she respects my opinion. That makes me smile, but it is also a bit strange. Even as an editor, I do not see people respecting what I say. They like or dislike my views, sometimes violently dislike my views and editing changes, but respect isn't something about which I see a lot. I'd like to think I have learned something in my 49 years, but I will always have that confused and battered little girl inside who just wants someone to like them and approve of her existence, her work, her dreams. I keep her hidden most of the time and she doesn't clamor for release, but she's still there, even if she is a ghost of her former self.

I'm rambling again, so it's time to stop before I end up being totally stupid and writing something that makes no earthly (or other worldly) sense.

I'll shut up now.

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