Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Not just for women

Thanks to radiantsun for pointing me in the direction of this article about emotional abuse. Even though the essay is written with the man as the abuser I have found that women can be abusers as often as men and the signs are still the same.

"Emotional abusers are very insidious - some of them are much harder to spot than others, because they mingle their abuse in between acts of generosity, and often employ emotionally manipulative tactics, and passive-aggressive behavior. Not all emotional abusers overtly belittle and verbally harangue their partners - some are much more perfidious and as such, their partners may not realize that the source of their distress and an unease over the relationship has been coming from abuse for quite some time. The longer a [man] remains under the grip of an emotional abuser, the more [he] will start to question [himself], [his] actions and [his] beliefs. It is the abuser's goal to make [him] believe that [he] deserves [her] cruelty and that only through [his] actions can [he] make it stop. It is [her] intent to get [him] to feel that [he] is the cause of any relationship problems, and that [her] (abusive) behavior is simply a response to [his actions], and therefore acceptable. It is true, that only through [his] actions can [he] make it stop - [he] must have the courage to leave the relationship and avoid further contact with the abuser.

Abusers, physical or emotional, are abusive because of their own self-hate and internal issues - not because of anything their partner did. No amount of work or attempting to please will stop an abuser from abusing. They have to be willing to recognize and actually work on their own issues before they can stop inflicting cruelty on the people who love them. In many cases, they don't even love their partners, because they can't even love themselves, and don't feel that they deserve love, even though they crave it. Abusers may genuinely feel bad that they committed another act of abuse, not because they have any real compassion for the person they hurt, but because they get angry at themselves for "screwing up" again. This drives them further into self-loathing, and further into a cycle of abusive behavior."

The rest of the article is well worth the time. Check it out.

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