Tuesday, October 31, 2006

More tests

I thought I was done with tests when I got out of school but it seems like there are always more tests. Either I suggest them for others or I have to take them. I took several tests to get my ham radio operator's license and after a very false start did very well. I took several tests to get the job I currently have and, since I got angry yesterday and decided to find another company to pay me a regular paycheck, I received an email that sends me to a site to take more tests. Once this is done I will have another income to add to my main income and to my writing income.

Tomorrow I will begin another test, one that lasts a whole month. I will test whether I can stick with a program and write a book in a month. If I can do that then I will test myself even further and see how many months I can fill with writing books. I have several on the drawing board but I'm tired of waiting for time to write; I am just going to write them.

The thing about waiting and patience, no matter what you want to do, is that nothing ever gets done. Waiting puts you in a submissive position so that the Universe or god/dess or someone else can fill your emotional, mental and spiritual orders. You have to wait while you're pregnant for the baby to be born, but you're really not waiting. You're creating and adding to something. Your body is active. Your mind and spirit are preparing for the new life that will join with yours. It just seems like you're waiting and that's where the problem of defining waiting comes in.

When you wait for the right time to have a child, a time when you have enough money, a bigger place, a better job, etc. the right time never comes. People wait for the right time to leave a marriage or a job or start their own business, leaving their dream nothing more than a dream. They don't work toward the time when they can make their dream a reality; they just sit and wait for the right time to arrive. It never will.

I've been waiting for the right time to finish the books I have half written and to start the ones I've been planning, waiting for enough time to sit down and write. In the meantime, I have written and edited lots of other things, but not those books. They are still dreams. They are still out in limbo waiting to see print. Granted, my work schedule has been impossible with me working 100 hours for 20 hours worth of pay, and by working I mean sitting at my computer starting and restarting a program every 10-15 seconds that tells me there is no work available or gives me 1 or 2 jobs. The program is not automated and I have no other choice but to sit there and click the program to start and end and start again until all I see is another screen telling me there is no work. I catch naps in between stretches of work, working every available hour day and night. I've been stressed and stretched to the breaking point and for all my diligence I get less and less work. I realize now I could have written something, even long hand on real paper, while I sat there fuming at a blank screen and answering emails and made the time work for me. I didn't. I couldn't see further than the blank screen with no jobs. I was frustrated and tired and very cranky. I worked weekends, nights, holidays and got more nothing. Not any more, not since I got angry yesterday.

So I will take the tests tonight, email them the results and my little essay about how I got involved in medical transcription and I will write my books starting with the new one tomorrow morning bright and early. No more working all hours of the day, night and weekend. No more giving up all the things I love doing or the people I enjoy seeing. No more waiting. No more patience. From now on I make things happen every day. I'll take my lumps and tests in stride and move forward into the present of every moment. Yes, getting angry and refusing to wait for the right time is the right thing to do for whatever dreams you hide and polish and put back on the shelf. Waiting does nothing but waste time and time is a precious commodity that waits for no wo/man.

Life is not a test but there will be tests to take...and pass.

That is all. Disperse.

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