Friday, December 15, 2006

More waiting

They did the MRI on Dad last night and a bone scan on him today. When I talked to him he sound tired and worn out. We didn't talk long, just long enough to discover that the cancer is in his spine and has moved into his neck. The doctor has started him on injections to increase the calcium content of his bones, especially now his testosterone engine is one, and they will do localized radiation therapy on his neck. He has lesions on his ribs and in his pelvis. They didn't catch it in time.

I went downstairs after a grueling night and day of work to get my ears candled. My right ear was itching and sticking a skewer into my ear to scratch the itch seemed like a really bad idea. I heard the SLURP! THWOOP! of some pretty big bits of wax go up into the candle and they were quite impressive when the landlady cut the ends of the candles open. Now my ear doesn't itch and it's like the illness I've been feeling building up in my system has been stopped dead--with the emphasis on DEAD. She also popped my ears and I have spent the rest of the afternoon and evening getting rid of the gunk clogging up my sinuses. I didn't know you could pull on someone's ear lobes and open up the sinuses. I learned something new. The landlady asked if I would return the favor after the first of the year and candle her ears. I said yes. After all, she's more than a landlady, she's my friend.

I'm sitting here when I should be in bed snoozing after such a long night and day of work, especially since I still have to work tomorrow and the day after that and the day after that and I start editing for a major publisher on Saturday.

The urge to fall asleep typing just hit.

That is all. Disperse.

ADDENDUM: The latest news is that my father has to stay in the hospital. They are beginning radiation therapy on his cervical spine (neck) today. He is still having issues with pain and by all reports looks really bad. I don't know which is worse: being there to watch him fade away or being 2000 miles away.

Yesterday the landlady asked me if I was ready to let my father go. I didn't know what to say then and I don't know what to say now. There is a little girl inside me who wants to hang onto her daddy and a mature adult who knows that it's wrong to want him to stay around in so much pain and agony. I believe people have the right to live a happy and productive life with quality. The quality of my father's life diminishes day by day and inch by inch. I know when the time comes, and if I have to cast the deciding vote, I want to know he died with dignity and wasn't being kept just because the doctors could. I'm not ready to let go of my father but I won't hold him back either. I've been ready for this time for many years but I really didn't think it would come. I feel like the women who hate all men because they have been burned in relationships even though inside them, and not very deep inside, they hope and pray someone will prove them wrong and love them. I love my father and I'd rather remember him as he was before he became ill and not as an old man crippled and contracted by pain, unable to speak and screaming in pain from a loving touch.

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