Tuesday, December 16, 2008
I heard the phone in the middle of the night, waking me from sleep, but since I was so close to the dream edge I plunged back in and ignored the phone -- until this morning. The call was from a close friend who is pregnant and decided not to abort this one. She is upset (to put it mildly) because the father of her child has a girlfriend and seems to be settling down. She's in an uproar because she feels he has no right to get involved with someone while she's pregnant with his child. She considers his actions inappropriate because he has not bonded with his child (due in March/April) and doesn't know if he will eventually want to be with her. She refuses to allow him to see his child or be at the birth if he's going to be with someone other than her. I call it emotional blackmail. She calls it only right since she's pregnant with his child.
A little history: My friend decided not to use a condom with this guy, someone she's considered a sex buddy for about four years, and she got pregnant. At first, he introduced her to his family and the family included her in baby showers and family get-togethers, none of which she attended since she didn't feel it was appropriate because she and the father-to-be weren't in a relationship. She went on MySpace and contacted all the women the father-to-be was cozying up to and told them she was carrying his child. Most of the women backed off. One or two didn't, but they told my friend they'd give her some space. She has known from the beginning that the father-to-be did not want to be with her and she didn't want to be with him -- until she got pregnant. She has a history of getting involved with emotionally unavailable men -- and having sex with them. To her, it's just empty sex. And she wonders why they all leave her when she finally gets emotionally involved. Now she wonders why the father-to-be and all the men she's been involved with treat her like a bitch. Duh!
I talked to her and tried to get her to see that she is emotionally blackmailing the father-to-be and that she has no right to decide who he dates or marries or becomes involved with. She doesn't see things that way and she has told the father-to-be (he's 21 and she's 31) that she will never allow him to see his child or spend time with her if he's with someone else and that he has no right to get involved with someone else until he has bonded with his child. The only problem is that it's not bonding with his child that she wants but bonding with her and being a family, supporting her emotionally and financially and physically, that she really wants. He isn't even someone she wanted a relationship with until she got pregnant again (she's aborted 6 or 7 babies so far) and decided that it was time for her to have a child. She keeps blaming it on karma and on being dark-skinned. I blame it on her attitude about sex and how she relates to people and on not having a job or being able to hold down a job for more than a few months, and I blame it on not having a stable life for the past 10+ years.
She's gone to college and keeps flunking out or losing interest. She has camped in friends' homes as a live-in babysitter (when she could) and a squatter when she couldn't. She moves in with her mother when she falls out with her friends. She has used men to pay her way and to have a place to live. Every time she gets emotionally involved the guys flip the script on her and end up tossing her out on her behind and she doesn't understand why. Maybe it is karma, but I think it's more about not having any respect for herself and not being willing to make a stable and productive life for herself. I could be wrong.
She was very upset when I decided to end the phone call. She is a good worker when she works and she has had some bad breaks, but she has no respect for herself and she's still looking for someone else to fulfill her life. Since she won't listen to me (and I am her friend so she doesn't want to listen to me) I suggested she get some counseling from someone she doesn't know very well. It isn't that she doesn't respect me or think I'm not being honest that keeps her from hearing me, but that she expects me to be on her side instead of being neutral. I told her she was too upset to listen and that it wasn't good for her or the baby to continue discussing the situation. I've had to tell her some hard truths before and she gets upset, but eventually she calms down and she sees that I'm just being her friend. I hope she gets some counseling. She needs it. In the meantime, I'm going to get back to work and give her time to cool down. She can't see what she doesn't want to see. She didn't see it when she was involved with someone who had gotten someone else pregnant and refused to allow him to see his daughter when she was born as long as he was with my friend. He still saw my friend and invited her to spend time with her and his daughter, but didn't tell the baby's mother about it, and that was all right. My friend did not like the baby's mother emotionally blackmailing her boyfriend, who eventually caved and kicked her out of his life so he could spend time with his daughter, and here she is doing the same thing. It's different now. She sees the other woman's point of view and thinks she was right to do what she did. I see it as a rationalization. It's always different when it's your life and someone getting in the way of what you want, but I don't see things that way.
She has no right to try to control the baby's father's life or who he sees, now or ever, unless the person intends to hurt her child, and I'm sure the father wouldn't allow that -- one would hope. Still, no one has the right to control another person's life, as if you could. I'm sure other people feel differently.
That is all. Disperse.